You need a man around here -
You can't do it all by yourself.
To me it's painfully clear
That you could use a little help -
Someone to kill the spiders,
Change the channel and drink the beer.
Seems to me that you sure need
A man around here.
Oh, Brad Paisley. You have no idea.
You probably won't believe me based on these whiny, desperate Single Girl Files posts that I've been writing, but swear to God, most of the time I don't mind being single. Most of the time I like being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and that I don't have to fit a guy's schedule into my own.
As I mentioned recently on the blog, I haven't yet come across a guy who was interested in me that I was willing to give up time with my own family and friends for.
I like my freedom. I like doing my own thing.
But, of course, there are times when I really, really wish I had a guy around. And that desire usually burbles up when I need something done around my house.
I rent, so in a lot of cases, I can call up the landlord (or, in my case, the "group of landlords") to see to the lake of water in my basement or the broken garage door or the infestation of bats that once lived in our attic and walls.
But there are times when the job seems too small to bother them, yet not something I personally know how to fix. My dad used to be the one that I would call, but due to health problems over the past few years, he's unable to be my handyman like he used to.
I know what you're thinking. Women can do anything men can, right? How dare I set back the women's rights movement and feminism with this weak-ass whiny-girl blog post?
But dudes. I don't fix things. And I don't have one of those resourceful brains that immediately starts coming up with solutions to problems like leaky taps or clogged drains or even how and where to hang a picture.
These are the times when I start to wish I had a man around here.
And after a recent chat with a friend of mine (who happens to be a guy), I have even less hope of finding one of them to do the manly jobs around my place.
Here, almost verbatim, is how the conversation went:
Me: I wish you'd been here this morning, I needed your help.
Him: Well, if I'd been here this morning, that would've meant I'd have had to spend the night, and that's not a good thing for either of us.
(Oh, did I mention, he thinks he's pretty funny?)
Me: *sigh* No, no it's not. But that's not what I meant. This morning, my bedroom door literally fell off it's hinges. Right in my hands.
Me: The little pin thingies that hold it to the hinges worked their way out and the door literally fell off in my hands. I needed a man.
Him: You don't need a man. You need a hammer.
Me: No. I need a man.
Him: Well, Jill, I think you'd have better luck finding a hammer than a man.
Seriously. That's what he said. That I would have better lucking finding a hammer than a man to fix my door for me.
What the F?!? Am I that repulsive??
Now, after his laughter and my incredulous shrieks of indignation died down, he did say sorry, that he didn't mean it that way - but that it literally would be easier, and quicker, to go and buy a hammer and learn to do these little jobs myself than to go through the process of trying to find myself a boyfriend.
Wouldn't it be nice if I could just go to a store and pick out a man instead?
I need a man to help me when my bedroom door falls off in my hands. When there's a gigantic spider crawling on my ceiling. When the paper towel holder falls off the wall above the kitchen sink. When the back of the dehumidifier in the basement turns into a block of ice. To hang the pictures I bought five months ago but haven't hung up yet because I really do not own a hammer.
Or, if I take my friend's advice, I should just go buy that hammer. Maybe a whole tool kit.
Because until they start selling men at the hardware store, it sure as shit doesn't sound like there's any hope for me in the boyfriend department.