Thursday, August 15, 2013

The fear that lives within me…

Up to this point in my “weight loss journey”, 99% of my posts relating to the subject have been super-ultra-positive.  All “rah-rah-sis-boom-bah” stuff.  I had a goal, I worked hard, I reached it, and for most of the past 8 months, I feel like I’ve been walkin’ on sunshine.

But it’s time to get real, folks.

It’s time to peel back a little bit of the shiny veneer, and expose the dark little fear that has lived inside of me and has grown bigger with each new weight loss goal that I have reached…

I’m terrified of going backwards.  I’m terrified of losing my mo-jo.  I’m terrified of reverting back to my old ways.  I’m terrified of being that 200+ lbs. girl again.

I’m terrified of losing everything I’ve worked so hard for.

Needless to say, the last few weeks haven’t exactly been stellar.

I went on vacation in late July, and kicked it off with my 30th birthday celebrations.  I remained mindful of what I was eating, but for a whole week, I “treated” myself a little more than I have been since January 7th.  And for one whole week, I didn’t really even bother with the calorie-counting.

And it’s been a struggle to get back on track ever since.

I knew this would happen.  I knew this day would come.

Because this isn’t the first time I’ve done this.  I have failed miserably at this weight loss game before, and while this time I’ve come further and feel stronger than ever before, it’s always niggling at the back of my mind how quickly it can all get messed up.  A little slip-up here, a little oopsie-daisy there…

Oh, how quickly I can stumble and fall!

My only saving grace this time?  I have managed to keep up with my work-outs and jogging.  I’ve stuck to my 5-day schedule (4 days of jogging and/or TurboFire, 1 day of Yoga) – I’ve had to juggle my rest days to make it work, but I HAVE made it work.

So at least there’s that.

The problem – as has always been my problem – is the food addiction.

After a week of not holding back and enjoying indulgences, that love of junk food has crept back into my soul, and I find myself craving it again.  And looking forward to the next dinner out.

At home, I’ve been mostly good.  I still don’t buy chips & dip (Jill’s #1 Weakness, as we all know), and I’ve kept my groceries to the same healthy, clean foods that have become favourites of mine over the past 8 months.

It’s the restaurants and party foods that lure me and taunt me and beg me to love them again…

I’ve still had some really good days.  But I’ve also had some really bad days.  I haven’t lost a pound since pre-30th-birthday.  Not that that’s a big deal – I’ve been saying ever since I hit the 50 lbs. lost mark that I’m OK being here for a little while.

It’s the fear that the pounds are going to start creeping back on the less careful I am that has gripped me the past few days and caused me to deeply worry about myself.

That’s the fear that has me feeling just a little bit panicky right now.

I don’t want to be afraid of “falling off the wagon”.  I keep saying there IS no wagon to fall off – this is really and truly a lifestyle change this time!!!  - yet I see the sturdy, steadfast resolve that I had just a few short weeks ago starting to crack a little.

I’ve had more alcoholic beverages in the past month than I had in the previous seven months combined.  I hovered over a bowl of Ruffle chips and onion dip last weekend at a party as though my life depended on them.  Appetizers and desserts have started re-appearing before me when I eat out.  Remember that old vow to “learn to love salad”?  … let’s just say, the French Fry has been winning out far more often recently.  And last night, I had not one but two chocolate fudge cupcakes – one of which I had earlier dropped on the ground.


It’s time to get back in the saddle.  I’ve been able to stave off any major damage by keeping up with my work-outs and my daily Shake, but I know that it’s a slippery slope I’ve started down.  If I keep eating whatever I want, whenever I want, and the pounds start creeping back on, then I’ll get frustrated and quit working out too.  That spells DOOM for me.

I don’t even want to GO there.

But I’ve been there before.  I know how easily I can lose focus, how quickly I can be swayed back to my old ways.

I’m making the promise to myself, here and now, to be better going forward.

That doesn’t mean I can’t still have the odd treat.  But I need to start spacing them out more, like I was before.  And I need to get that firm resolve back.

Salads instead of greasy fries.  Fruit instead of cookies and ice cream.  Chips & dip?? Who needs ‘em!!!

I was bound to hit a rough patch somewhere along the way.  But now, it’s how I deal with it that will be the true test of character.  It’s time to re-visit all the things that helped me be successful in this endeavour, and make sure I start following them to a “T” again.

I don’t want to go back.  I want to go forward.

Another challenge that I’m ready to face.

Bring it.


VandyJ said...

Maintenance is harder than weight loss. With weight loss there are goals and how to get there. No one talks about how to maintain once you meet the goals.
I know you can do it. Dig deep and keep moving forward, right?

Sarah said...

Jill - you are doing great-amazingly great!!! And since you are still working out 5 days a week, you are still burning lots of calories so don't worry so much about the bad stuff you have eaten. Everything in moderation is a good rule to follow. Don't be so hard on yourself!! You've accomplished so much in the past 8 months, you deserve to celebreate reaching your goal!

Stacie said...

Well, you recognize what you are doing wrong, so that has to be half of the battle. You still got this, girl!

Beth W said...

Considering all that you have accomplished (and the fact that you stuck with the workouts, and enjoy them), you know you'll NEVER go back to be sedentary, obese, and unhappy. You know this. Because it made you unhappy, and so you made a change, and it's a change you enjoy.

And even if you backslide, as we all do, you get back up, dust yourself off, and keep going. You aren't ignorant of what rules you've broken, or why you're not maintaining- you know what's done, and what needs to be done. And you know you have it in you to do.

Nancy said...

You can do it Jillian. Self awareness is half the battle, and you've got that. You are doing great, especially with keeping up with your workouts.

Nicole said...

Hey, how many hours/minutes a day is the TurboFire workout?

And sadly you're right, it's soooo easy to fall back in the same old rut, but you're awesome and you'll keep doing great. Don't beat yourself up, just push past :).

LeeLu Creations said...

I so get what you mean about loving food. Food is my drug, too. But you have come so far, you can do this! If you have a bad day, week, whatever, tomorrow is a new day to start over. It's awesome that you are maintaining working out, that is half of the battle.

HickChickBritt said...

Seriously whenever I read what you have written it is my words exactly. My problem is I never even make it to my first goal before I give up. I hate it and food...Such a love hate relationship with it. It is so hard when I have to cook for kids and hubby too.