The Bachelor: Ugly Meets Ugly

Last night was the debut of The Bachelor: Rome - and I'm going to re-cap it because I devoted two hours of my life to watch it, but I'm making no promises to do so in the future. I was completely disappointed and annoyed with the whole production, and here are a few reasons why:

I'll begin with the object of the show, "Prince" Lorenzo Borghese. Touted as Italian royalty, it didn't take me long to figure out that Prince Lorenzo was a bit of a fraud. He himself explained to the viewing public that his title of prince is because he has a former Pope in his ancestry, and eighty zillion years ago, that Pope gave all of his family titles. So I don't think that makes him a real prince. And just because his family's name is all over Rome doesn't mean he's that important. That might've impressed the ladies, but it sure didn't impress me.

The second problem I have with the dude is his name. Lorenzo. Lorenzo. It's not a cool name. Not unless you're a hunky Italian lad with a thick charming accent. Nope. Lorenzo's a New Yorker whose claim to fame is his family's involvement in the cosmetic industry. Whoopi-doo. He doesn't even speak Italian, as we later found out when he tried to engage in a conversation with an Italian girl. He wanted to know if she liked sports. When it was clear that she didn't understand him, he asked if she liked guns, if she shot people, if she hunted giraffes. Then he laughed and said he was just kidding. Yeah, that was funny. Idiot-stick.

Thirdly, and most importantly, he's not hot. He looks slimy, his hair is floopy, he's not buff, he's not tall...he's non-descript. And he's got about as much charm as a snail. Compare him to last year's Bachelor - the handsome, intelligent, sweet Dr. Travis Stork. Lorenzo couldn't even carry his stethoscope. One woman said that Prince William ain't got nothing on Prince Lorenzo. Sorry, darling, but I'd even take Prince Charles over this doofus.

This brings me to the next big problem: The women brought in to swoon at his feet. If I'd been them, I would've hopped back into that limo and demanded a refund. I think they must've drugged them or something, though - they all gushed about how "sexy" Lorenzo is and all stated that they absolutely must be his future wife or they'll just die! One girl even sold her car so she could afford gowns suitable for such an adventure. If I were her, I'd have felt a little ripped off.

But let's forget for one moment that Lorenzo's dorky-looking. Let's just pretend he's Wade Redden or someone of that hotly stature. Okay, so he's standing there, and then the women start piling out of the limos - does he not see what I do? These women are not very attractive. Surely to God he must notice that they're caked in too much make-up, wearing ghastly dresses, and acting completely fake in an effort to win his heart. But no. Good ol' Lor insists that he's stuck in the best dream a man could ever have. Umm...okay. I'm not a guy, so I'll leave that judgement up to him, but I'm pretty sure some of the past bachelors have had much nicer "dreams".

I'd like to point out a few of the ladies for whom I took an instant hate. There's Miss. Grouch-face. I believe her real name is Gina. She was all googly-eyed and sweetness when Prince Borghese was around, but when other girls were clawing all over him, she stood in the background with her mouth pursed and her eyes shooting daggers. She looked like the Devil. But somehow, she got a rose. Then there was the over-the-top Desiree, who boogied for Lorenzo in her short, revealing white dress, and she crawled right under my skin by calling him "Baby" every chance she got. Lorenzo was instantly smitten, though. I just hope he knows she called the cameraman "baby" too...it's not exclusively his nickname. But somehow, she, too, got a rose. And of course there was the socialite's daughter. I think her name was Lauren, but I'm not sure. I don't know what a socialite is, but from the sneak peek into her home that they shared with us, I think it means her mom scampers around their mansion in a skimpy red dress, fussing over her little girl. She chose to wear a tiara to distinguish herself as Lorenzo's "princess" right off the bat. Honey, no need to wear the tiara...he should remember you because you're HOMELY. And yet, somehow, she also got a rose.

Finally, the biggest fault I have with this show is that they drag it all on for so damned long. Last night's show easily could have fit in one painful hour, but they insisted upon drawing it out for two long, excruciating hours. Another pet peeve of mine is how they highlight the upcoming events as they head into each commercial - so you pretty much know before it happens that one girl is gonna get the prince to hug a tree, that two Roman goddesses are going to descend into the catfight, that some poor bitch is gonna sing opera from a balcony in hopes of impressing, and that the dumb curly-haired blonde lady is gonna get plastered. And why, exactly, is there always such a spotlight put on the drunk girls? Why must they always be painted with a black brush? You toss a pack of nervous women into a castle and provide them with bottomless champagne glasses - how many of 'em do you think are going to emerge at dawn walking a straight line? Hell, if I showed up for this show and found out Lorenzo was the grand prize, I'd probably want to get shitfaced too.

All of this being said, the Canadian girl was one of the very, very few who impressed me, and because she won a rose last night, I'll probably tune in next week, just to make sure that he spares her a rose next week. I'd hate to see such a nice, down-to-earth gal getting stuck having to go on more stupid dates with the big scuzzball.

And that concludes my re-cap for The Bachelor: Ugly Meets Ugly. If you watched it...I'm so sorry I made you re-live it all again.

Have a good one, kids!