Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Single Girl Files: Blame it on the A-a-a-a-a-alcohol

The original title of this post was going to be "Things you're not supposed to tell a boy the first day you decide you like him".

Then I realized, especially after another drunk disasterpiece that was my St. Paddy's Day romp at Gavan's this past Sunday, that I don't usually say the wrong things to boys when I'm sober. It's clearly the booze that turns me into a crazyperson and sends them running for the hills.

Sober Jill isn't going to spill her life story and freak the dude out. Even slightly-buzzed Jill can keep her shit together.

But then...Then we cross a line. Then Drunk Jill shows up, and all hell breaks loose.

It's the reason some people call me "Sadie" - that's my drunken alter-ego. She has lots of fun. She chases boys around like a maniac and tells them the stupidest things she can think of, and sometimes she bursts into tears for no good reason. And then, at the end of the night, she goes stomping home, usually mad at someone, and then gets on the Blackberry and starts drunk-texting and drunk-facebooking.

Not cool, my friends. Not cool at all.

So I blame Sadie for a big part of why I'm single. Sober Jill can't talk to boys (she gets tongue-tied and just can't speak). Drunk Jill can talk to boys - but says all the wrong things.

Here's some samples of actual things I've said to guys while inebriated, trying to impress them, usually on the first night I decide I'm in love with them:

  1. "I looooooooooooooooooooove you."

  2. "Please tell me I don't look fat in these jeans? Oh, whatever, I know I look fat in these jeans."

  3. "I'm not being negative. I'm a realist."

  4. "If we get married someday, will all of your brothers have to be in our wedding?"

  5. "I know I'm not supposed to tell you I want babies, but I do. Like, a lot. And, like, soon. My biological clock is ticking!"

  6. "Did you know I have bug spray in my purse?!!?!!"

  7. "Buy me a drink. You'll be even hotter if you do!"

  8. "If you want me to, I'll get on-stage and sing a song for you!!"

  9. "I lost 20 lbs, and if you'll go out with me, I promise to lose 50 more!"

  10. "Don't you think Wade Redden is the hottest hockey player ever?"

  11. "I'm Luke's sister. Luke's much louder sister."

  12. "Did you just call me Leigh Chapple?????"

  13. "Will you marry me?"

  14. "Let's DANCE!! C'mon, puhleeeeeeeeeeeze???"

  15. "Seriously, I'm like the last single girl in the world. There's definitely something wrong with me."

  16. "Do you want to live in Quyon with me? Forever?"

Oh wow. That was embarrassing just to write.

I don't know why I (or should I say, "Sadie") think it's funny to put myself down and call myself fat. I even got a lecture on self-confidence about a year ago from a guy about that! But still I do it... I also don't know why I think it's so important to tell people who might know my brother that I'm his sister, like he's some kind of "superstar" or something. (Trust me, he doesn't like when I do that, either!) And of course I know it is absolutely insane to mention weddings, houses, babies, love, and the future. Seriously, who does that??

And for the record, nobody ever called me Leigh Chapple.

It truly isn't a mystery why I'm still single, is it?

So I blame it on the bar. Blame it on Sadie.

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol...

(PS - While this post may lead you to believe otherwise, I'm not an alcoholic. Promise. In fact, I keep Sadie locked up most of the time now. It's that odd occasion when she breaks free...It's never pretty...)


Nicole said...

bhahahahaha.... I'm sorry I giggled. Don't worry I've done similar things, only sober :) I told one guy I'd marry him for the night so that I could go home with him. Yeah not my brightest moment :) See it gets the best of all of us :)

btw he laughed and for months called me his wife.

pkb said...

LOL! Oh Jill! You should try picking up guys at places they don't serve alcohol.

Anonymous said...

Who's Leigh Chapple?