Ding-Dong, Russell is Dead! / Mediocre Night on Idol

Survivor and Idol night...and once again, massive conflict. I do not like that these shows are on at the same time. And yes, I do live in the stone age. I do not have a PVR or DVR or whatever the hell they call them. What I do have is a VCR, but seriously? I couldn’t be bothered. You have to find a blank tape or at least a tape with something you’re okay with taping over, and you have to make sure no one is watching anything else at that time on that TV, and you have to find the channel and set the recording time. Too much work.

So what you’ll continue to get are half-assed Survivor and Idol recaps until the creators of these reality TV gems get their shiznit together and put their shows on different nights. Or at the very least, different times.

With that said, let’s get to it. First up, Survivor:

- Oh yes! Someone lifted Phillip’s ban of silence! Which means we had another fun episode of listening to his craziness! Phillip’s back, baby!

- Holy mother of GOD. They can show me all the snakes and creepy crawlies and jungle monkeys they want, but when the camera flashes on one of those large, furry spiders, I literally shriek. Every.time.

- I’ve decided that Mike has lost the title of Hottest Survivor this season. He’s been bumped by Grant. Super sexy hot stuff. And an ex-NFL player. Droool.

- Russell met up with Matt on Redemption Island for the big showdown. And what a showdown it was. Russell’s former tribe sent Ralph and Sarita as their witnesses, while Rob’s tribe gladly shipped off Phillip and Kristina, probably hoping for a break from listening to Phill brag about his super secret intelligence training that he got while employed by three different levels of the US Government. (Tell us about it again, Phillip, we might forget it if you don’t repeat it over and over). In a delightful surprise, Matt beat out Russell, and for the first time in history, Russell Hantz is officially out of the game of Survivor before the final Tribal Council. LOVE IT! Of course he didn’t go quietly, though. He shed a few crocodile tears before announcing to the other tribe’s witnesses that Ralph had a hidden idol and who was in alliances on his tribe. Lucky for Rob, he had blabbermouth Phillip there to report it all back to him.

- And of course, that’s exactly what Phillip did. He couldn’t wait to get Rob off to the side and begin spinning the yarn of the Redemption Island Showdown. But Rob didn’t have the patience for Phill’s drawn out rambling, and tried to get him to spit it out a little more quickly. Fave moment: Rob, in the midst of Phillip’s long-winded intro to the story, going, “Huh?” and Phillip exploding, “Rob! Just listen to me! Let me just tell you what happened!” Rob, wide-eyed, snapped back, “Well then tell it!!”

- Around this time, I swear I heard footsteps on my stairway. SWEAR. And it’s been over a week since Paranormal Activity 2. This is why there is no Criminal Minds for me on Wednesday nights anymore, Kenny.

- Grant, you’re hot. You’re the super sexiest Survivor since Colby. Don’t ruin it by wearing your dreads in a knot on top of your head like Pebbles. I don’t like it.

- Rob told his group he had to go “relieve himself”, and instead went hunting for the hidden idol. He found it, but it took him a long time. By the time he made it back to the beach, they must’ve been thinking he dropped one mean deuce.

- Off to the challenge we go. What is this? A friggin Craftsman Tools commercial? That’s some serious advertisement pimpin’ if I ever saw it. With Russell gone, his old tribe had no reason to throw this one, and while it was close, they got it done. Again. Four challenges, and they’ve won 3 of ‘em. The only one they lost was because they tried to lose it. C’MON, Rob! Time to step it up!!

- I absolutely adore Phillip’s post-loss pep talks to his tribe. Almost as much as I love his hot pink undies.

- Despite the fact that the entire tribe was thoroughly annoyed and exhausted with Phillip, Boston Rob was more focused on sending Kristina home. He organized a split vote in case she had another hidden Idol, and let the two ding-dongs duke it out at Tribal Council. Not as entertaining as Phillip’s very first Truth Circle, but not a bad TC. In the end, Kristina was the one who received the most votes and was sent to Redemption Island to snuggle with Matt.

- Speaking of Matt – I don’t generally like long-haired boys or boys with ponytails, but if anyone can pull it off, it’s him. Yummy.

And now, on to Idol. Keep in mind I could only catch bits and pieces of the first hour on Survivor commercials, so I didn’t get to see everyone. But here are a few of my observations of the Top 13.

- I was so excited when Lauren said she was going to kick things off with my all-time fave Shania song, “Any Man of Mine.” Unfortunately, she didn’t quite pull it off. I don’t think she’s going anywhere, though. The girl has big, BIG potential. But she was no Shania last night.

- Ashton went all Diana Ross this week, and they brought in some Motown bigwig to see her perform. I’m thinking he probably could’ve stayed at home. I wasn’t impressed.

- Okay. What am I missing with Paul? I know he has a lot of big supporters out there, but seriously? Was he drunk up there? It wasn’t his song choice. (I like Ryan Adams). It wasn’t his voice. (I really actually like it). It wasn’t even his clothes. (But I hate the skinny pants on dudes. Just sayin’). It was his jumping and stutter-stepping and twitching and weird facial expressions and half-closed eyes. Dude was mother-effin’ DRUNK! Or HIGH! Or maybe BOTH!! Whatever it was, it was distracting. Did not enjoy it. At all.

- I tuned into Pia half-way through her song, and actually thought they were re-playing last week’s performance. It was super-strong, once again, but the girl’s gotta move away from the power ballads if she’s going to keep me hanging on.

- Thia Megia. Meh. I like her voice, and I think she’s one of the strongest young singers they’ve ever had, but I didn’t really dig it this week.

- Haley! Love love LOVED it!! She sang LeAnn Rimes’ “Blue” and she did it justice. One of the judges remarked her versatility, going from an Alicia Keys song last week to a country classic this week. Whatever works, baby!

- Stefano, what is this? You’re totally adorable, but I did not love this Stevie Wonder dance re-mix. You need to be better than that for me, Stefano. I need you to wow me.

- Is it really possible that I have a crush this big on Steven Tyler? Oh my...

But at least that means those of you worrying about my Bieber love can relax a bit.

- Scotty McCreery. He’s the country boy with a voice like George Canyon. Deep and soulful and rich as chocolate. Last night, he sang a Garth Brooks classic that is near & dear to my heart, and he nailed it. This boy is definitely the next big thing in country music. I loved it.

- As far as I’m concerned, they saved the best for last. Naima, thus far, hasn’t been my cup of tea, but she took Rihanna’s “Umbrella” and made it her own. Girl busted out some dance moves, she brought some rapping and reggae to the stage, and I thought she rocked it. The judges said she was pitchy, and maybe she was, but I was too wrapped up in the magic of her performance to notice.

Overall, not my favourite week of Idol in the history of the world. But I missed Casey and James, two performers I’ve had my eye on since the audition rounds, so I can’t really judge. It will be interesting to see who America sends home tonight!

And that's a wrap on your weekly mish-mash Survivor/Idol recap!!