Seriously, Survivor Contestants? SERIOUSLY?!

Today I had plans for another installment of The Single Girl Files. But then I watched Survivor. And I just can't not write about it. That was, quite possibly, the craziest kick-off episode I've ever seen in my life!

I make no promises to follow this baby til the end. Survivor hasn't been able to hold my interest for the past five years or so, unless Colby was on the show. And while Rob and Russell make for an entertaining tandem, they aren't Colby.

So here are my initial thoughts on last night's premiere episode of Survivor: Redemption Island...

• Is it just me or, did both Boston Rob and Russell look a little on the chunky side when they got off the helicopter on the beach to surprise the rest of the contestants?


• I literally giggled out loud when they introduced us to Phillip. On-screen, where they post his job title, it said "Former Federal Agent (?)". He bragged repeatedly throughout the episode about how he was a former federal agent and worked for three different divisions. If he's telling the truth (and clearly he's more than a little delusional), the people of the United States of America should be concerned about what kind of "agents" their government is employing. Dude is craaaaaazy. More on Phillip to come.


• There's some substantial eye candy this season, with Mike and Grant. And of course I've always thought Rob was a cutey. Love his sexy Boston accent.



• Stacy runs a Survivor pool every year and we randomly draw names for contestants. I couldn't remember who I had picked, but I was pretty sure it was either Mike or Steve. I hoped young, hot Mike. I checked this morning, and it was old, grey-haired Steve. Frig.

This is Mike. Isn't he pretty?



• Instant Dislike Award goes to Francesca. When Rob and Russell hopped off the helicopter and everyone else was cheering, she was shaking her head and audibly saying, "This isn't good. I don't want them here." Atta win over the hearts of two of the strongest Survivor competitors ever. Dummy.


• Kristina, Kristina, Kristina. They tell us you're a law student, but you clearly aren't that smart. First, you were caught in the act by Rob trying to find a clue to the hidden immunity idol while everyone else was busting their butts trying to build a shelter. Then, you aligned yourself with Francesca and Phillip, the two earliest competitors in the race for "Dunce of the Season". Granted, you did find that hidden immunity idol, and without a clue, so clearly you're not a complete idiot. But then you flashed that idol to your alliance, and that, my dear, was the stupidest thing you ever could have done. Good luck to you in the future. Knucklehead.


• Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like Survivor has set up permanent camp in Nicaragua. Haven't the last few seasons been there? Time to find a new locale, Survivor people.


• If I have to watch many more weeks of Phillip strutting around in a hot pink pair of briefs, I think I might ralph.

Where were these yellow shorts last night, huh, Phil?




• Speaking of Ralph - there is a Ralph! A red, hairy, farmer guy complete with jean overalls and a thick hick accent. First impression? Thought he was a doof. But when it came to building shelter, Ralph shone. I haven't seen anyone quite so enthusiastic about Survivor in a long time. Dude was excited to be there!


• I hate that Russell's team won the first immunity. Any advantage that Russell has over Rob sucks in my world. I'm on Rob's side, 100%. There isn't a Survivor contestant in the world that I hate more than Russell. Hopefully Rob can get some swagger back next week.


• The best part about Rob's tribe losing? Being able to watch his face when the disaster that was Tribal Council unfolded around him. It was hilarious. Phillip proved he was one of the stupidest Survivors ever when he not only revealed who was in his alliance right off the bat, but also told the tribe who their plan was to vote off (Rob), and that Kristina had the hidden immunity idol. Kristina and Francesca looked like they were ready to slay him. Most of the rest looked absolutely dumbfounded. Rob couldn't stop grinning. Seriously, Phillip? Have you ever watched this show before??? It was quite possibly the biggest circus I've ever seen at Tribal Council. And it was only the first one!!!!


• Why, oh why, was Phillip able to pronounce Francesca's name properly all throughout the show, but then suddenly he got the stutters at Tribal and started calling her "Francesqua"?


• It was pretty much a toss-up between Phillip, Kristina, and Francesca to go home after Phillip blew that shit wide open. I was a little surprised that Kristina didn't use the idol when everyone knew she had it. But I guess it was a smart move, since Francesca got one extra vote and was sent packing. Ah, but don't count her out people! New twist! She's just gone to hang out on Redemption Island. Next week, who ever is voted out will go head-to-head with her in a showdown, and if she wins, she'll be back. Things could get a little tricky this season...

Overall, I was held captive by last night's episode, and that's big for a first episode. Usually I only have mild interest, because I barely know any of their names and I can't get straight their tribe names either. But this time, the complete craziness that was Phillip and his alliance with Francesca and Kristina kept me hooked.

If I was there with that crew, I think I'd beg to go home.