Two weeks ago, I could proudly proclaim that I had entirely avoided and ignored you for your entire explosive career thus far, and I didn't feel even a little bit left out. I didn't want to get Bieber Fever, Justin. I didn't want it!!
But then I started seeing the commercials for your first-ever flick, Never Say Never 3D. And suddenly, I started feeling sick. I blamed it on a headache at the time, but the headache went away. And still, I got goosebumps when I saw the commercials.
Fortunately enough for me, I had another friend going through the same thing. Two twenty-somethings, experiencing Bieber Fever? I thought this was an illness that only affected younger people. Like, aged 2 to 16. But apparently it can hit older people too.
I just never thought I'd be one of them, Justin.
In any case, Lindsay and I went to see NSN3D yesterday. And I decided to break down my thoughts on your movie in point-form for you. I do this at the very real and terrifying risk that I will leave many of my family and friends wondering what the hell has happened to me, if I've become mentally ill, or at the very least questioning my once-credible taste in music. I'm blaming the Fever. You just can't help it once it's hit...
- I really, really, really liked the movie. A perfect mix of 3D concert footage, backstage glimpses, interviews with members of your tight-knit circle, gushing girls of all ages, and sneak peeks into your every day life. Tres cool.
- Justin, you know I'm 27, right? TWENTY-SEVEN. It's embarassing for me to write this blog. But you are adorable. I wish I could say I had babysat you or something.
- Purple's your favourite colour? Really, Justin? That's just asking for trouble...
- The smartest thing your mother may have ever done was invest in a camcorder. The home videos were half the magic.
- I think you're adorable, but Baby Justin? Baby Justin melted my heart.
- Someone in the movie said you were the Macauley Culkin of music. No way. You're way cuter than Culkin.
- Okay, so before I said that I didn't care if you were friends with Usher. But I've changed my mind. Usher is incredible. You get big points for being in his circle. And he's just so damn good-looking. He was probably my favourite part of your movie. He gives the "grown-up girls" something to drool over.
- Your mom and grandparents seem like pretty great, down-to-earth people. Make sure you listen to them, above anyone else. From what I saw of them, I don't think they'll ever steer you wrong.
- It's shameful, but when they showcased your stop in Ottawa, I got all giddy. I was like, "OMG, Justin Bieber was in the same arena where my Sens play!!"
- It's too bad you were caught in the movie sporting Leafs duds and sleeping in a Leafs-themed room. Poor thing. Hopefully you wise up someday.
- I know it's a little silly, but I'm kind of proud you're Canadian.
- Pull your pants up, kid.
- Now I'm sure it's necessary for you to have stern influences around you to keep you on the straight-and-narrow, but your voice coach is a bit of a bitch. Remind her once in a while that you're only 16, okay? Remind her that it's impossible for a 16-year-old to go days without speaking. That's just stupid. I don't care if you're selling out Madison Square Garden. A kid has to be able to talk.
- Smart move, pairing up with Little Will Smith (aka Jaden). The little man was smooth!
- You know what? When I was a little kid, I watched a tape of the American Music Awards that my sister had recorded, over and over. Whatever year that was ('91 maybe?) was before you were born, and the big stars of the night were Boyz II Men. And now, you've got them singing & dancing BACK UP on-stage with you? Made me feel old, dude.
- I love that you're not just a cutie-pie face and sweet little voice. You play drums, guitar, piano, and I think they even said trumpet... and you do it well. That gives you some cred.
- More cred? The fact that you've got not only Usher and Boyz II Men on your side, but also artists like Ludacris and Sean Kingston. Whatever you do, though, don't listen to Snoop Dogg. Don't even think about growing your hair long and putting it in pigtails. Not cool, Bieber!
- I've grown fond of several of your songs, but if I'm being truly honest, I still liked them better when the Glee kids sang 'em.
- If you ever come back to Ottawa, I might actually consider getting tix. And if I do, could you please please please pick me to be the One Less Lonely Girl??
- When you grow up into a big boy and get past all this candy-pop music you're churning out now, can you do me a big favour? Play your guitar. Go acoustic. That's when you're truly at your best. You wow me at 16. So in 10 or 20 years? You would be incredible.
- If I had a 14-year-old daughter who was in love with you, I'd approve. You seem like a genuinely good kid.
- Above all else, Justin, here's my biggest hope for you: That you don't let the industry break you. Fame has torn apart many people before you, especially the ones who start out as kids, like you. I'd hate to see them tear you apart, too. You seem like a happy-go-lucky, sweet teenage boy who loves to sing and dance and play instruments. You're respectful towards your elders, you appreciate your fans, and you even seem a little awe-struck at how high up the ladder you have climbed already. I don't actually believe you make your friends say Grace at a pizza joint before grabbing a slice, but you seem to have faith and spirituality. These are all good things. Keep singing. Keep dancing. Keep playing. Stay grounded, Justin, and never let any of this get bigger than you can handle. Don't let them break you.
- I refuse to call myself a Belieber. I just won't do it.
Your newest old-lady fan,