Learning to live in this world.

Well, what a difference a month makes!

It's been almost a whole month since I last posted, and while a lot has changed, we are definitely still living in pandemic times.  And I definitely still hate it.  

But.  BUT.  If the month of May has taught me anything, it is that I can live in this new world.  I don't have to like it, but I can find small sparks of joy.  I can be productive.  I can contribute.  I can find things to look forward to.  And I can enjoy my days.  Despite this stupid damn virus, I can live in this world.

On May 4th, I went back to work after 7 weeks off.  Those 7 weeks are not ones I look back on fondly... they were spent in fear and anxiety, literally waking up each morning with the thought that "Ugh. The world has changed, and I hate it." Followed by:  "I can get through another day...I can do this."  But I struggled to focus, I accomplished little, and there was not a whole lot of joy in my days.  I was nervous about coming back to work, but as the coronavirus pandemic lingered and they warned it wasn't going away anytime soon, I knew I had to get back on the horse.  I couldn't stay home for months and months.  I had to figure out how to make this work.

Being back at work has definitely been good for my mental health.  It is our busiest time of year, and this year is no different.  Being busy during the day gives me purpose, keeps me occupied, and I have less time to think.  I wipe my desk down several times a day, I wash my hands or use hand sanitizer approximately 8 million times a day, and they have taken measures in the office to allow for physical distancing.  I allow myself to check in on what our PM says in his morning press conference, I check updates on the status in Quebec and Ontario, and I look for the numbers in the Outaouais, but otherwise I stay away from the Covid news (and social media in general).  Truly, most days, I haven't had time anyways.  The busy-ness of the season has been a blessing.

A week after returning to work, I started sleeping at my own house again.  I still spend most of my time at my mom's - eating meals there, spending nice weekend days on her patio reading or crocheting, etc. - but I go home to sleep.  Just being back in my own bed, and getting some time to watch Netflix stuff that my mom doesn't want to watch (currently, Ozark), has felt good and restored some normalcy in my life.

Last Wednesday was probably the best day I've had since March 14th.  That was the day the province of Quebec announced that groups from 3 households and up to 10 people could now gather outdoors, keeping the 2 metre distance.  This means my family could now get together to have a BBQ or a visit.  I can't tell you how my spirits soared at this news.  As our province has been gradually lifting restrictions, this was by far the most exciting news I had received yet.  I really don't care about hair salons or shopping malls... what I have missed is our family gatherings.  A few driveway visits and drive-by's have not been enough for me.  I miss them tremendously.  And now we have permission to gather.  This news was so good for my soul.  

That night, I went grocery shopping for the first time since the pandemic started.  The grocery store I usually go to in the neighbouring town is not huge, and it is quieter in the evenings, so it was the perfect time to dip my toe in the waters.  I can't tell you how GOOD it felt to just get groceries!!  I also hit the pharmacy, and had the place to myself.  The whole trip was very successful, and the more times I go "out" - which isn't often - grows my confidence and makes me feel more comfortable.

I've come to the realization that I'm okay living in these days.  I can hang here for a while.  I no longer wake up in the mornings with a pit of dread in my stomach, and I don't spend each day just trying to waste time to pass another day away.  I have come to look forward to my new little routine, my evenings at Mom's crocheting and watching TV, going back to my own bed.  The anticipation of a Friday night, going to Marcotte's to get a treat, having a drink, watching a movie.  Having time on Saturday to cut the grass, then spending the rest of the day outside enjoying the nice weather.  Enjoying food again - my God, what a relief to enjoy food again!

I still wish I could have a girls night or attend book club.  I miss eating at restaurants, and going to the movies.  Sleepovers with the kids.  Strolling through Wal-Mart.  Going to church.  The excitement and anticipation of big events in our community, like Canada Day or Shawville Fair.  Making plans.  This new world feels very unfair and it's something I still very much wish had never happened.  It's definitely not a world I want to live in forever.

But I'm okay.  I've come a long way.  And for now, I can do it.  It's a simpler life, a quieter life, with more time for hobbies and just relaxing.  It's not as awful as I originally thought.

I still pray every single day for a vaccine, a cure, or even a treatment.  But in the meantime, I am proud of myself for learning to live in these pandemic times. I just hope we can get through this, get back to normal sooner than later, and then never have to do this again.

Book Review: The Alice Network by Kate Quinn

*Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!*

As I mentioned the other day, it has now been over 6 weeks since I've been at home isolating due to the coronavirus.  I expected I would do a lot of reading during this time.  Oddly, I have not.  I still read my usual amount - a chapter or so before bed - but I haven't really sat down and spent long periods of time reading.  I've just been too antsy and distracted.

I had started reading The Alice Network by Kate Quinn before the pandemic lockdowns and stay-at-home orders hit.  While I really enjoyed this novel, and was glad to have a good book to sink into at this crazy time, it still didn't grip me the way I think it would have had I been reading it at a normal time.  I think it had the potential to be a book that really grabbed me, but because my mind was on other things, it never really had a chance.

This is the book we have slated for our October Book Club meeting.  As I read it, all I could think was, "God I hope we can have book club meetings by then."  Because, let's face it... everything is cancelled.  From now until at least the end of summer.  And with still so much unknown, we really have no idea when we will be allowed to "do things" again.  That said, I have hope that small gatherings with friends (we would rarely be more than 10 people at book club) will be allowed by then.  Fingers crossed!!!

While I wasn't able to completely immerse myself in this book, it actually was a great one to read at this time, as it reminded me there have been far greater hardships experienced in the past 100 years that having to sit at home on the couch and watch Netflix.  The story begins with young Charlie St. Clair travelling to Europe with her mother, as she has fallen pregnant and is unwed.  They are heading to Switzerland to have her "little problem" taken care of.  At least, that is her mother's plan.  Charlie has other ideas.

Set in the late 1940's, post-WWII, Charlie is intent on searching for her cousin Rose, her dearest and closest companion, who went missing during the war.  She has a scrap of paper with a name and address on it for a woman named Evelyn Gardiner, who lives in England.  She has been told Ms. Gardiner might be able to help her track down Rose.  Charlie tracks down Evelyn and also meets her handsome hired man, Finn Kilgore.  The three of them embark on an adventure as they follow Evelyn's leads in an effort to find Charlie's cousin.

While on their adventure, Charlie learns much of Eve's past, including her involvement in a network of female spies that made a huge mark during WWI. That group of women who put their lives on the line to report German secrets back to British authorities was called The Alice Network.  Eve's time spent in that role as a spy shaped the rest of her life, and while her work was remarkable and worthy of accolades, it also scarred her deeply, both physically and mentally.

This was not just a story of war and spies.  This was also a love story, as Charlie gradually falls in love with Eve's hired man, Finn, and they begin to think of a life together beyond their current escapade to find out the truth.  Eventually, Charlie is able to stop thinking of her pregnancy as a "problem" and starts envisioning a future with Finn, where he becomes a solution.

I have read several novels regarding WWII over the years, and I have to say, this has been one of my favourites.  It doesn't go into gory detail, and yet the chapter that tells the story of the French village destroyed by the Nazis filled me with horror and I can still picture it.  I was even more horrified to learn in the author's notes at the end that it was based on a true story, as were many of the events and characters in the novel.

Throughout the story, both Eve and Charlie, who the chapters revolve around back and forth in an alternating pattern, are displayed to be strong, heroic women, and they often remind themselves that they must endure.  In times of desperation over the past 6 weeks, I have echoed that word in my own mind:  Endure.

You can do this.  It will pass.  People have gone through much worse.  Hang in there.  Endure.

Hard to see the light sometimes.

Yesterday marked 6 weeks since the Sunday I fell apart as coronavirus became a reality, and I moved in with my mom.

Life has been so very strange since then.  I have come down from the extreme anxiety I felt in those early days, and this new way of living in limbo has kind of almost started to feel like a new normal, but I'm still not ready to accept this.  I'm still hanging in there, waiting to see when restrictions might relax a bit, what the new way of life might look like when we get even just a little bit of our old lives back.

Every day, we are encouraged to hang in there.  Have hope.  See the light at the end of the tunnel.  This too shall pass.

But this past week, my God. It was hard.  It was hard to see the light.

A week ago Sunday, we awoke across our country to the news that there was some kind of active shooter situation happening in Nova Scotia, of which very few details were available.  I have been to Nova Scotia twice now, and it was hard to reconcile the peaceful, lovely maritime province with the notion that an armed gunman was on a rampage through its communities.  By that evening, the shocking details began to reveal themselves.  A 51 year old denturist from Halifax had dressed like an RCMP officer and travelled in a vehicle that looked like an RCMP officer's, and had gone on a mass killing spree.  Some of his victims were targeted; others were just at the wrong place at the wrong time.  All told, 22 were killed before the shooter was brought down by police late Sunday morning.

This is the worst mass killing in Canadian history.  And it is heart-wrenching for so many reasons.  Firstly, as I mentioned, for happening in a province and in communities that are known to be quiet, peaceful, and trusting.  Secondly, for happening at a time when we are already under the dark cloud of the Covid-19 pandemic.  There can be no group gatherings, no big vigils or memorials or public funerals.  This is a time when people would go to one another, to hug and bring food and provide comfort in any way possible.  To not be able to do that in a physical sense right now?  It is crushing.  Devastating.

Now, our little community is feeling the same way on a more local scale, as well.  Over the weekend, our village lost three people (non-coronavirus related).  Three people who were well known, who have families and many friends.  There are very few who live here who haven't been touched in some way by these losses.  It is a very sad and heavy time to go through at any time, but so much more difficult now.  It goes against everything we are accustomed to doing at this time.  We gather, we cry together, we hug, we bring food, we console, we share stories and reminisce.

And now we can't do that.

I know this is something that is very difficult, and being experienced across our country daily, as not only the coronavirus claims lives, but other losses continue to happen from other causes.  You don't get the closure you would normally get, having to put off celebrations of life, burials, funerals. It isn't the way it should be.  And I hate this virus for many reasons, but taking that comfort and closure away from people at these sad times makes me hate it even more.

These are dark days we are living in, and over the past week, it has felt even darker.

Still, we are reminded that spring is here.  Grass is turning green, buds are appearing, and there is a fresh smell of new life in the air.  Today, our province is supposed to reveal it's plan to ease back restrictions in the coming days. The light is small, but it is there.  We just have to keep our eyes trained on it, and have faith that there are better days ahead.

Keep looking for the light, my friends.  Keep hanging in there.

I hate this.

Yesterday, I was asked by a friend why I wasn't blogging anymore. Well, pals... I'm a little bleak these days.  And in a world that is already pretty bleak, I didn't figure I should be adding to it if I could help it.

How are you all doing out there in this new pandemic world we are living in?  I'm... okay.  I'm not great, but who is?

I will say, I'm better than I was that first week as Covid-19 became a reality.  On Wednesday, March 18th, I had a bit of a breakdown.  I couldn't wrap my head around all of this, and I was a mess, to be quite honest.  When I left work that day, Lindsay told me she thought I should take some time off.  I have been at home (well, at my mom's) ever since.

Week 1 was rough.  I haven't experienced a level of anxiety that high in a very long time.  I run on anxiety on a good day.  This was a whole nother level.  It was physically painful.  I had knots in my stomach that hurt.  I had zero appetite.  I cried a lot.  I had the worst heart palpitations I've had since the early days of having that condition.  My right eye was twitching steady.  I felt that if this was a normal time, I would have been calling my doctor, but considering all that was going on in the world, I figured my ramped-up anxiety was the least of anyone's worries.  So I dealt with it.  With the help of my mom, and wonderful friends & family who checked in, I continued to function, and eventually got through the worst of it.

That doesn't mean things are rosy now.  But I have got myself into a routine, which helps.  The days pass more quickly when I keep to some sort of schedule.  I have an appetite again (which may or may not be a good thing, ha!), I have been exercising regularly, I am taking care of myself, getting up and dressed every day, trying my best to stay occupied during the day, and I sleep relatively well at night.  I am still spending way too much time on social media, checking Facebook and Twitter, but trying very hard not to be glued to it ALL day.  I seem to have a lack of focus for many things.  I don't seem to stick with anything for very long, including shows on Netflix, crocheting, or reading - all things I thought I would be LOVING right now - but I keep at it, even if it is just for short periods of time.

Another thing that I have been doing that has helped - and perhaps why I haven't been thinking so much about the blog - is journaling.  I haven't kept a journal since I was a kid.  For the past many years, this blog has, in fact, been my journal.  But this... these inner feelings and questions and worries - felt a little more personal, not necessarily something I wanted to share with the whole world.  So I sit down every morning and write a few pages in my journal.  It is very repetitive.  "Why is this happening to us?"  "When will this be over?"  "Why can't someone fix this?"  "I HATE THIS."  Like I said... it's bleak.  I'm bleak.  But writing it all out has been helpful.  I have come to very much look forward to this time each morning when I just put pen to paper and explain how I feel.

Despite all of the darkness and despair, I cling desperately to hope.  There is so much of the "normal life" that I miss.  And it's not even so much the big things.  It's the little things.  Chatting with folks at work.  Making plans for pedicures and dinner with Lindsay.  Hearing my nieces call out "I'm heeeeeerrrreee!!" as they come through the door.  Going for a walk and not having to make sure I'm 6 feet away from someone I meet along the way.  Going to church.  Eating at restaurants.  Going for groceries.

Hugging. I am not even much of a hugger, but I now I daydream about the day this is all over and I can hug people.  Especially my nieces and nephews.  I miss them SO much.

I pray every night for a miracle.  For the virus to just go away, or for the brilliant people of the world to find a vaccine quicker than they tell me they will, or even for some kind of medication or treatment that will help.  This is something I never imagined happening to us.  Even as it was coming down the pipe and we were hearing more and more about the coronavirus, I never pictured this.  I never actually thought it would become "real".  And if anyone could wish it away with pure will alone, my God, you guys, I would have done it by now.

This blog post could go on and on, trust me, and maybe I'll pop back in more regularly than I have been, because this has felt good.

I'll end today by giving the biggest shout-out possible to all of the people on the front-line who have had to keep going out in the world when every instinct in me told me to curl up and disappear.  The doctors, nurses, medical staff, pharmacists, cashiers, grocery store employees, truck drivers, and so many more who are essential and continue to brave this scary new world that I hate so much.

Thank you.  We love you.  You are our heroes.

Where's the fast-forward button?

A little update on how life is now that things have changed so drastically...

• I still can't believe how quickly things got scary with the covid-19 pandemic.  When I left work last Thursday, my co-worker was still insisting their Mexico trip was on, and most of the drastic measures that are now in place still seemed so unrealistic.  By yesterday, I was scared to have to leave the house to come to work.  It still shocks me how much changed in the span of four days.
• For me, the reality of it all really came down on Sunday.  That was the first day I truly took seriously the "social distancing" measures put in place.  For weeks, I had joked that when that day came, I would be soooo good at it.  As it turns out?  Not so much.  I had anxious knots in my stomach, I was on pins and needles, and by afternoon the tears started.  I couldn't get them under control.  I went to visit my mom, we went for a walk, we talked, and I thought I was OK.  I returned home and started to cry again.  A quick decision was made that I should pack a bag and move in with my mom for the time being.
• There are so many things about this whole situation that terrify me, but the greatest one on Sunday was the thought of being told not to leave my house - potentially for weeks, maybe even months - and that feeling of total isolation, being completely alone, rocked me to my core.  I am a hermit who lives alone and has never minded being alone - in fact, I usually quite enjoy it - but not this time.  
• I'm pretty sure I had another mini nervous breakdown yesterday morning.  I was trying to think of any way in the world I could avoid going into the office, but I really don't have any other option.  I know the risk is very low, there are only a few of us in the office and we are at a time of year when the number of people coming through the door every day is small.  But still, I had worked myself into such a frenzy that by the time I got there, I basically walked through the doors and burst into tears.  I don't think anyone knew how to handle me, so things were just very quite for a while.  Thankfully, I calmed down and I actually do believe it was very good for me to keep busy throughout the day.  It just took me a while to get there.
• For those of us who deal with mild anxiety on a daily basis, this situation sure has ramped things up on that front.  I go through a normal day and I'm usually able to deal with it without having to take extreme measures.  Tea, essential oils, soothing activities.  Now, though, I honestly think I would benefit from some kind of medication.  However, I have no desire to go anywhere near a doctor's office, nor do I think they need to be burdened by the likes of me who just can't keep their shit together while there are much bigger things going on in the world.  So... I will carry on.  I will remind myself that I will be OK.  I will tell myself that this, too, shall pass.
• My doctor has always had the ability to calm me down better than anyone else can.  I honestly wish I could just sit for ten minutes and talk to him.  I have joked that I wished he could hold a group therapy session.  Of course, that would mean a gathering of people, so no, we can't do that, but maybe he could Skype? Or Facetime?  Talk me through it?  Come on Dr. Mac!!!
• I think for many of us, the unknown is so very scary right now.  How long is this going to last? There is no end date.  Initially things were closing down for two weeks.  Now in many places that is being extended.  Weeks. Months.  Who knows??  I can think of many scary situations.  Scenarios that terrify me.  But this one is worse because of how long it could possibly drag on.  Take, for example, a tornado.  Scary as shit.  But the tornado hits, and it makes a mess, and it's devastating.  But it goes away.  You check to make sure everyone is OK, then you go to work cleaning up and re-building.  Please don't think I'm downplaying the gravity of a tornado.  I just mean that it happens, it's over, and you start the process of dealing with it.  I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS VIRUS!!!!!  I just want to push the fast-forward button.  I always say to never wish the days away, but I'm wishing these days away.  BIG time.
• OK. I'm probably not helping anyone by writing doom and gloom blog posts.  But it does help me to vent about this stuff and get it off my chest.  I hope you are all doing well, staying safe, keeping your distance where it all possible, washing your hands... hanging in there!  We will get through this!  We have to!!!!

Anxiety Level: High

I saw this tweet this morning on Twitter:  "Not the *best* week for people with anxiety."

Amen, brother.  A-fucking-men.

Dudes, I'm trying really hard here.  Trying REALLY hard to reassure myself, telling myself I'm OK, everyone I know is OK.  Nothing bad is going to happen to us.  Coronavirus is not going to wipe out the whole world.  I'm washing my hands like a mad woman, singing Happy Birthday twice each time I do it, taking every precaution I possibly can just in case.  My hands are quite literally about to fall off they are so dry and scaly from being washed so much.  But I'm willing to do it to keep the fears at bay.

But it's feeling a little scary right now.  I'm having a harder time each day to calm myself down.

Last night was especially bad.  I crawled into bed around 10 to 10 with my book, and before opening it, I thought, "Just quickly check Twitter, see what's going on with the world."  And holy mother of GOD, there was a LOT going on with the world.

Tom Hanks has coronavirus.
Rita Wilson has cornavirus.
An NBA player with the Utah Jazz has coronavirus.
The other day, he joked about it and touched all the microphones and recording devices at a press conference.
They also played the Raptors just a few days ago.
The NBA has shut down.
The NHL is probably going to shut down today.
Ellen is going to be doing her show without an audience.  (I assume other talk shows will follow suit as well.)
Trump put a travel ban in place to Europe.  (which I now understand isn't really a "ban", just restrictions, so maybe not as huge as origianlly thought.)
Pretty much any big event planned for the next several weeks is being cancelled.

It's all feeling very end-timey.  I keep think of the Stephen King book The Stand.  Stephen King himself has come out and said this is nothing like his book, but I can't help but feel there are some striking similarities.  It's alarming how quickly this thing is spreading.  And they are now taking measures that a few weeks ago seemed laughable.

I called my mom right away, and I was like, "Um... the world is going nuts.  Tom Hanks has coronavirus."  And she kind of laughed at me and told me to stop looking at my phone.  Which only makes me want to look at my phone even MORE.

For a worry-wart like me... it's not exactly the most fun I've ever had in my life.

The introvert/hermity side of me is OK with it.  I mean, it definitely seems like the day is (quickly) approaching when they will be telling us to stay home if at all possible, at least for a while.  As I said yesterday - being holed up at home watching Netflix and living in my bubble doesn't bother me one bit. 

But the rest of it?  eek.  I don't like it.  I'm nervous.  Yesterday they confirmed the first case in Ottawa, so it's getting closer to home.  It was easier to ignore when it was all "so far away". 

I am still trying to calm myself.  I read things that tell you to stay calm and be informed.  Take precautions.  Don't freak out.  Be vigilant.  Wash your hands.  I'm not really in the at-risk demographic, so even if I did get it, symptoms would likely be mild and I'd be OK. 

It's still very hard not to get wrapped up in the fear-mongering and panic.  Honestly, there are some friends on Facebook who are sharing some pretty scary posts.  I realize many of them are not true, or are hyped up to sound worse.  I understand that I should not let them bother me.  I am very close to "hiding" some of those friends from my timeline because they are, quite seriously, not good for me.

Not much on social media is good for me right now, though, honestly.  It's too easy to get caught up in and to let the panic take hold.  I need deep breaths and soothing teas and calming essential oils.  Not crazy Facebook posts warning me that in two weeks, our whole country could be on lockdown and our hospitals overcrowded and our doctors getting sick and not able to help the rest of us.

A global pandemic is definitely not my cup of tea.  I really hope that this thing is being blown out of proportion, and it fades like a bad memory very soon.  I was hoping for a stress-free spring with no flooding this year... and now this.  ugh.

I don't really have a way to end this, other than I hope you're all staying healthy and clean and not stressing out about it.  Trust me, I'm doing enough of it for all of us.

What's Up This Wednesday

• So, we live in a coronavirus world now.  And they keep talking about the possibility of there being a complete shut-down quarantine type situation eventually, like where you'd have to stay home and not go anywhere for 2 weeks.  Am I the only one who thinks that sounds lovely???  I'm sure by the end of it I'd be going batshit crazy, but 2 weeks of staying home, watching TV and movies, hunkered down, in my bubble?  Sounds delicious to me.
• The only part of it that kind of sucks is the timing.  It would have been much easier to do during cold, snowy months, not now when the days are longer and the sun is shining more and spring fever is hitting.  Now is when we want to get outside, not lock ourselves up.  But I'm willing to do it for coronavirus.
• I mourn the end of winter.  I really do.  I long for those cold winter days of staying cozy, wrapped up in blankets and warm clothes, huddled on the couch to watch Netflix or read or crochet.  Now that they are ending, I feel sad to see them go.  BUT.  I also went for a walk on Monday without a coat on, and that cheered me up.  It was so lovely.
• They say you should be able to sing Happy Birthday twice while you wash your hands.  This has made me realize that I have not being doing it properly, as I struggled at first to get through it once during a hand wash.  I am getting better at it, though.  I am dragging it out longer and getting through it twice.  Maybe I just sing Happy Birthday too slow?  I'm not sure.
• I bought toilet paper at the grocery store on Monday, and I felt like I should go around  shouting, "I actually do really need this!  I'm almost out!"  It's such an odd situation we are in right now, when you feel like people might be giving you side-eye for buying toilet paper.  And why in God's name are people stocking up on it anyways??  Of all the things to stock up on... toilet paper???  Really???
• Well, it makes me sad to say it, but I think my Peter Kavinsky phase has passed.  At least until the third movie comes out.  I have watched the first two movies on Netflix too many times, and I am also now finished all of the books.  It was hard to let it go, but it was time. My family was starting to worry about me.
• So this past weekend, I said I was devoting to watching Netflix, but the little people in my life had different plans.  My sister asked if she could leave Caden with me Friday afternoon while the girls went to get their hair done.  He had no suggestions of things he wanted to watch, so we searched Disney + for teenage-boy-appropriate movies.  We ended up watching Guardians of the Galaxy (which I saw in theatre on a date, but I barely remembered it because I was so in my head that night), and part of the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie (I have never seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, and neither had he).  Then on Saturday, my brother offered to wash my car for me, so I told him the kids could come hang out with me for the day.  When Noah is at my house, he insists on watching ONLY Toy Story movies.  We watched Toy Story 3 and 1, in that order. LOL
• For those who are concerned I'm turning my nieces and nephews into couch potatoes, I should clarify that both days, I also made them come walking with me.  Caden and I went on a big stroll around town Friday afternoon so I could get my 10,000 steps for the day, and I took Neve and Noah on a walk to the treat store on Saturday after lunch.  So... we did move around, I promise.
• Despite not getting as much Netflix time as I anticipated, I did still blow through The Trials of Gabriel Fernandez, and the first season of Schitt's Creek.  The first was very difficult to watch, heart-breaking really.  The second?  My gosh, I don't know why it took me so long to watch this show.  I absolutely love it.  I literally laugh out loud while watching it, multiple times an episode.  HIGHLY recommend.
• The time change on Saturday night made me realize I'm really just a gigantic child.  Everyone always says time changes mess with kids, but dudes... it messes with me, too.  I was in such a foul mood on Sunday, and for no good reason.  I got lots of sleep on Saturday night, and I slept in on Sunday morning.  NO reason to be out of sorts.  But man, was I out of sorts.  Thankfully I was feeling back to normal on Monday.
• This coming Saturday is our Irish Tea at church, and I'm looking forward to it.  Friday I'll be prepping my food, and for the first time, I'm making salmon sandwiches.  We needed one more loaf, and I volunteered.  I hate salmon sandwiches.  LOATHE them.  I'm not sure how this is going to go. Should be interesting!!
• We have been selling tickets on our Basket O' Irish Fun, a big basket just brimming with all things "green".  It already looks amazing, and I know there are more items still to come.  Whoever wins this baby is going to be one lucky duck!!  

Well, I think that's it for me today!!  Hope you are all having a great week.  Wash your hands!!!

Thursday Things

• I'm really glad I have a relatively quiet weekend on deck.  There appears to suddenly be a ton of stuff I want to watch on Netflix.  I'm really enjoying Schitt's Creek (still only a few episodes in, but it's making me laugh.)  And as I mentioned yesterday, I want to check out The Trials of Gabriel Fernandez.  But now, I'm also thinking of checking out Love Is Blind.  They talk about it every morning on Hot 89.9 and they have me intrigued. There has been so much going on while I've been watching Peter Kavinsky over and over, apparently...
• Seems like a good weekend to commit to Netflix, since I'm seeing on Facebook that it was four years ago this week that I got wifi and Netflix!!  Only four years... that seems crazy to me, I don't remember life before it.  Happy Anniversary to me & Netlfix.
• There is one TV event happening this week that I am dreading: the farewell to Alex Karev tonight on Grey's Anatomy.  I really don't know if I can survive this one.  I mean, I know I made it through George, and Izzy, and Yang.  I survived McSteamy AND McDreamy.  But Karev??  He's always been my absolute favourite on the show.  I've watched all of the others go, and heard others say they were quitting because of those losses, and I've always thought, "I'll be fine.  I still have Karev."  But now he's gone too.  I don't know if my poor wee heart can take it.
• Another thing I'm sad about is that I'm almost finished the third and final To All the Boys book.  And I'm not liking the way it's going.  I have a bad feeling.  The fate of Peter and Lara Jean is still unknown to me, but I just don't get the warm and fuzzies about how things are developing.  And I also just don't want it to end.  I know I still have the movie to look forward to, but man... I don't get excited about things like this very often anymore.  I don't want it to fade away so quickly. *sigh*
• So, we're more than a full week into Lent now, and so far so good for my Lenten promise this year.  I just wasn't feeling giving anything up.  My heart  wasn't in it like it usually is.  So I decided to do the 10,000 steps a day challenge again.  Last year, I combined it with giving up chips, but I couldn't bear the thought of giving them up this year.  I know it's supposed to be hard, that's the point of it all, but I just...refused.  10,000 steps a day is good enough for me.  And I might try to get rid of 40 items from closet/drawers, but that will be tough because I did a complete closet over-haul last spring.  I don't know if I have 40 things to give away.  We'll see.
• My anxiety level has been high, off and on, for the past couple of weeks.  I have no idea why.  There is nothing bad going on in my life; if anything, things have been pretty calm and copacetic lately.  But I keep thinking up these stupid worst-case scenarios in my head, and somehow convincing myself bad things can happen when they aren't even on the radar.  My face is broken out in my weird itchy stress bumps, which makes it even more awesome.  I understand why this happens when I'm stressed out (like last year during the floods, or in the weeks leading up to Christmas), but when there is nothing going on, it really pisses me off.  Dammit.
• Speaking of my face... I keep hearing that one of the preventative measures of coronavirus is to not touch your face.  Um.  I'm in trouble, then.  Because I have realized I touch my face a lot.  And I also have this awful lip-picking habit that is ten times worse when I'm anxious so I'm basically touching my face and picking my lips steady right now.  I'm probably going to die.
• My sister (probably a bigger germaphobe than me, if that's even possible) went out to buy hand sanitizer the other day to be prepared in case, and discovered it's sold out everywhere.  My mom found her a bunch in different sizes in Shawville, but they told my mom at the pharmacy that they can't get anymore, they are out of it everywhere.  Which kind of made me panic, because I have a couple in my car and a couple at home, all little purse sized bottles, and I'm not sure that's enough to get through a pandemic.  I'm probably going to die.
• Needless to say... I do think about coronavirus more than I probably should.  All I know for sure is that I intend on staying in my bubble for the foreseeable future, with all of my little bottles of hand sanitizer.  A co-worker told me yesterday about plans to go to Mexico later this month, and normally I would feel jealous, but this time I was just like, "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya."  Never been so happy to stay in my Quyon Bubble.
• In other news... My Ottawa Senators had another massive blow-up yesterday when news broke that they fired their CEO Jim Little.  He was hired on January 10th.  54 days on the job, and he's out.  He claims, for having a heated argument with our dear darling owner, Eugene Melnyk, and cursing at him.  Lord love a duck.  Melnyk just can't behave!!  I mean, we've been the laughingstock of the NHL for the past few years, with one dumpster fire after another.  Lately, things had kind of been taking a positive swing.  Chris Phillips retirement night was really classy.  Bobby Ryan came back after 100 days of sobriety and was a real feel-good, inspiring story.  Melnyk was keeping his yap shut.  But now this.  UGH.  It wouldn't take much to get fans back on board.  If he could prove he can keep his nose out of it, let the people he hires run the ship, do some fun stuff to attract the fans back... guys like Brady Tkachuk are so likable, they'd take care of the rest for him.  But NOPE!  Eugene seems like having a frigging MESS.  ALL. THE. TIME.  So damn frustrating.  
• I think I'm going to wash my car this weekend, for the first time since buying it in mid-January.  It desperately needs it.  I really hate washing cars, but this poor thing... it doesn't deserve to be treated so poorly when it's brand new.  It deserves to have the salt and grime washed away on a semi-regular basis.
• I'm kind of glad that there's not much going on this weekend, other than Netflix, and car washing, and maybe snowshoeing.  Next weekend is a busy one, with all kinds of St. Pat's festivities on, especially our church's Irish Tea.  I'll have food to make, and then most of the day next Saturday will be devoted to being there to help.  I don't know yet if I'll be partaking in any of the other parties in town.  We'll see how it goes.  Regardless, I'll enjoy this peaceful weekend while I have it!

This past week, I...

The last time I wrote a blog post, I was anxiously anticipating Snowmageddon 2020.  People had this storm hyped. up.  They even cancelled school the day before, it was supposed to be THAT big.  (It is rare for schools to close around here due to weather, let alone the day before.)  I was giddy.  But literally just as the snow started, the forecast changed.  All of a sudden my 40+ cm of snow turned into more rain than snow, and I was heartbroken.  Nothing worse than a good snowstorm getting ruined by RAIN!!!  ugh.

By Thursday morning, things weren't looking all that bad out my window.  More slop than anything.  Yet still, my amazing bosses (and friends) texted me to say they were giving me a snow day.  I know they didn't have to.  I work five minutes from home, it hadn't even snowed that much, and I definitely could have got there... But still, my heart fluttered with excitement.  I LOVE a snow day!!!  I read for hours (still into the To All the Boys books), I crocheted, I watched The Price Is Right.  I made macaroni for lunch (my fave all-time snow day lunch!), and I had a nap while Disney + played in the background.  Then I spent a big chunk of the afternoon making a pot of chili (because it was also National Chili Day!) and baking cheddar biscuits.  It was true bliss!!  By the end of the day, the "storm" had kind of fizzled out, and it really did seem silly to have stayed home because of it, but I treasured it anyways.  Snow Days don't come around very often.

Friday I didn't have any big plans, so I bummed around home again, did some tidying up and dishes, a quick house cleaning, more crocheting and reading.  Then in the afternoon I played with my alcohol inks.  I got some new colours so I wanted to test them out.  That evening, Lindsay arrived with chicken shawarma platters that she picked up from the best spot in Aylmer, and we settled in to watch my beloved Peter Kavinsky for the next couple of hours.  I think I've won her over to the dark side... well, at least I think she understands why I've become so smitten, at least.  LOL!  That Kavinsky boy is hard to resist...

I had an early start Saturday morning, as I was curling in our local Lions Club's annual bonspiel with friends.  Our first game was at 9AM.  I was a little nervous, because I "retired" from curling on Thursday nights this year, and I was afraid I'd forgotten everything.  Thankfully, it came back to me quickly - surprisingly quickly.  I felt really good out there, and I actually very much enjoyed it!  I had forgotten how much fun it can be.  I also really enjoy the day of sitting around at the curling rink, visiting with friends, chatting and laughing over a few drinks.  It was a really good day.

However, I woke up Sunday feeling rough.  Really rough.  It wasn't a hangover - I didn't have enough to drink to cause that - it was just the aches and pains of curling.  I guess now that I don't play regularly, my muscles had forgotten they could move that way.  I was so sore. Even the palms of my hands were aching.  Still, I made myself get up and move.  I went to church, then out to brunch with the fam.  My brother was playing in a 3-on-3 hockey tournament and they made the finals in their division, so we went to watch. (We were bad luck... they lost... whoops!)  By late afternoon, though, I was settled back in on my couch, watching Peter Kavinsky again.  The good news is that I think I may have finally worn the movies out.  I was definitely tiring of them by the time I finished them this time. LOL!

On Monday, I had big plans.  With the kids on March Break this week, I had decided it was the perfect day to take my niece Danica on her "Day Out" - a day of shopping, lunch, and movies that I promised her on her birthday back in December.  We let Grandma tag along this year, and we shopped at Walmart and Carter's first.  She picked up some super cute outfits, and seemed very happy with her purchases.  Then we met my BIL and nephew at Boston Pizza for lunch, and after that, we headed over to the movie theatre to see The Call of the Wild.  I was a little disappointed in lack of options when it came to movies, and this wouldn't have been my first choice, but it turned out to be really good.  We all really liked it!

By the time I got home late afternoon, my curling aches and pains were bothering me again, and I felt really, really tired.  I plopped down on the couch and slept for over two hours.  BIG mistake.  Then I couldn't sleep that night.  It was the worst night I've had in a long time.  I tossed and turned, my arms and legs were aching, I felt uncomfortably full from all the junk we'd eaten at lunch and at the movies, I was too hot, and I had to pee like four times.  AWFUL.  Finally around 3 AM, I got up and took an Advil, which seemed to help with the pains, and I slept until my alarm went off at 5:45 AM.

When I woke Tuesday morning, I was not feeling too crash hot.  My stomach felt off, but I chalked it up to the crappy eating the day before.  I also just felt out of sorts after the bad night of sleep.  However, because of my snow day on Thursday, and knowing Jared and Lindsay had a big week with a tradeshow on in the city, I knew staying home wasn't an option.  I got myself ready and off to work.  It was a nice, peaceful day in the office, so that was good, but I was definitely not right.  My stomach was very off.  I never did get sick, but I sure felt like I could for most of the day.  I ended up not eating lunch just in case, so by the end of the day I felt pretty lethargic and crappy.  I was determined not to go home and sleep again though.  I couldn't risk another night of terrible sleep.  When I got home, I read for a while, then just had plain rice, applesauce and ginger ale for supper.  I honestly had no appetite at all, but my stomach was empty and I needed to eat something, even if it did still feel weak.  Thankfully, everything stayed put, so whatever it was - too much junk the day before, or some kind of bug - seemed to be over.  I spent the evening crocheting a new dish cloth pattern I found, and I finished off The Marvellous Mrs. Maisel on Prime.  I started into Schitt's Creek on Netflix next, and I think I'm going to love it. It definitely had me laughing!  I also really want to watch The Trials of Gabriel Fernandez on Netflix, but I'm saving it for the weekend.  It sounds like it's pretty intense and heart-wrenching, and I want to be prepared to fully commit to that.  I have a weekend ahead without much going on, so I think it will be the perfect time.

So... that's what's been up since my last post, a week ago today!  A little bit of everything!!  I hope you are all having a good week so far. :)

Life Lately

• Can you feel it?  The excitement in the air??  That hush that comes right before a storm... ???  Oh, how I love the anticipation of a good dumping of snow!!  We really haven't had one yet this year (yes, we have had snow, but never in a big amount at once).  It makes me tingle from head to toe!  
• I'm glad we're going to be getting a little storm, because I was starting to feel like I'd been jipped by this winter. It hasn't felt long enough for a snow lover like me, and the past week has been day after day of sunshine and + temperatures.  The snow was starting to fade fast. We went sliding Sunday afternoon and I didn't even wear a coat; I wore the coat to snowshoe on Monday and almost sweat to death.  I felt like winter was slipping through my fingers.  However, this 30-40 cm in the forecast and the cold temps over the weekend should keep me in winter mode for a little while longer!
• Since I haven't blogged in a few weeks, here's a quick V-day re-cap:  I had plans that day to go shopping and out for lunch with a friend, but they fell through.  I was feeling kind of ho-hum and blue about it, but decided to fill my day with things I enjoy.  I had a long bath using heart-shaped bath bombs I'd treated myself to while reading, then I baked cookies.  I finished crocheting my first pair of slippers, and they turned out surprisingly well.  I had grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch, pretty much the definition of comfort food. I spent a few hours playing with my new alcohol inks.  Then I watched a bunch of silly old movies that I love, including Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead and Son-In-Law.  My biggest fail of the day was my attempt to make pizza dough in the breadmaker.  I put it on the wrong setting, and ended up with a baked ball of dough.  It was too late by then to start over, so I used a can of crescent rolls I had in the fridge as a make-shift pizza dough.  It wasn't perfect, but it was okay.  And that's just what Valentine's Day will probably always be for me.  Not perfect, but okay.
  
  
  
  
• I literally did not poke my nose out of my door that day - not once.  (It was a really frigging cold day).   So the following day, when I DID leave the house, I discovered a bag of valentines hanging on my door from Sam & Lainey.  It made my day!!  Probably would have lifted my spirits even more if I'd found them the day before lol!!  But still... nice to be loved by the littles in my life :)
• This past weekend, I DID poke my nose out the door... a lot!  It was such a fun winter weekend.  We had our annual Family Winter Fun Day at my sister's place on Saturday, spending the afternoon out sliding, snowshoeing, playing on the rink.  We had chili and hot dogs for supper, and it was just an all-round great day (despite a persisting headache).  On Sunday after church, a bunch of us went sliding on the hill behind my mom's.  There was a lot of fresh air and fun had!!
  
• I've been crocheting lots of little things lately, trying to build up a stash for Shawville Fair now when I have more time to sit and crochet.  I made a Call The Midwife blanket last week, and now I'm working on a matching baby sweater/hat/bootie set.  I also have patterns to try a doily, a Christening gown, and a child's dress.  I have to get some dish cloths done for our Irish basket (church fundraiser), and I want to make a bunch more slippers since people seem interested in them.  I also want to make a blanket for a little cousin of mine (my Granny Young loved to crochet so I thought it would be nice to make a blanket for all of her littlest descendants in her honour), AND I bought yarn to attempt one of the popular Grinch scarves I keep seeing online. SO much to crochet, so little time!
  
• I finished the next book in our book club lineup, which was One Night: Promised by Jodi Ellen Malpas.  One of the girls in our club made a deal last year that if she finished a daunting book within a month (Stephen King's 11/22/63), she could pick a smutty fun book for this year's line-up with no questions asked.  She completed her challenge, and this is the book she chose.  I'm not above some good smut, in fact I quite enjoy it once in a while.  However, this one didn't really do it for me.  Is it just me, or since Christian Grey, do all the books like this include a rich, domineering businessman who likes to exert his control over a meek young woman?  There was nothing about this guy that was attractive to me.  And if I read the line that he "took her by her nape" one more time, I think I could have screamed.  The image of a guy steering me around with his hand on the back of neck like that?  Gave me the icks.  Now don't get me wrong... many of the, er... "romps" were fun.  But...long.  Almost exhausting.  And then the whole stupid thing ended on a cliffhanger.  So many questions unanswered.  I could have gone ahead and downloaded the next book (it's a trilogy, apparently), but I had no interest in continuing this saga.  At least not right away.  Maybe I'm too old and I've been alone for too long, I don't know, but I was just glad to move on from this one.
  
• Now, I KNOW you're wondering what I moved on to.  And I KNOW I just said I am too old for this.  But the frank truth is that I have moved on to... a 16-year-old boy.  *sigh*  Before you get too creeped out... NO, not a real 16-year-old boy.  Just a fictional character.  But still... I haven't been so madly in love with an unattainable figure since Kawhi.  It feels good to know my heart can still go pitter-pat!!  
• So who? How?  Why?  Here's what happened:  This past Friday evening, I was on the couch battling another sinus headache, which I'd suffered from off and on since last Wednesday.  I fell asleep watching The Shape of Water, then woke up when it was over.  I decided to throw on a light fluffy chick flick since I knew I'd just fall asleep again, so I put on a Netflix movie called To All the Boys I've Loved Before.  I did fall asleep, but ended up waking up about half-way through and sort of started paying attention.  Since I'd been sleeping for a few hours, I was suddenly wide awake at 11 PM and I got so into this movie. SO into it.  When it was over, Netflix automatically rolled into the sequel, To All the Boys, PS I Still Love You, and by then I was officially in love with 16-year-old Peter Kavinsky.  When that was over, I went back and started the first movie again since I'd missed how it all began.  When I finally went to bed around 2 AM, I was on Kavinsky Cloud 9.  This boy... you guys, this BOY.  He is everything little 16-year-old Jill dreamed of!!  And thus... a new obsession was born.  
  
• It has taken all my power to not re-watch the movies every night since.  I have watched Youtube videos galore of the actor, Noah Centineo (23 in real life, so less creepy, right? right???) giving interviews and stuff like that.  I also discovered he's a bit of a Netflix darling, and has been featured in several other of their movies over the past few years.  However, some of them are prettttty bad.  I couldn't get through The Perfect Date, even with his adorable face. He was also in Sierra Burgess is a Loser, and that one was okay.  But what I really want to do is re-watch the To All the Boys movies.  I'm also thrilled to know there's a third movie coming, probably sometime later this year.  My Peter Kavinsky crush has legs.  It's not going to sign with the Clippers and leave anytime soon.  Woo hoo!!
  
  
  
  
• So, I am forcing my friend Lindsay to watch the movies with me Friday night.  Will she like them?  I have no idea.  Probably not.  They are very teeny-boppy.  But I do believe they are very well done teeny-boppy movies, and I do think that the actors did an excellent job for a teeny-boppy movie.  I was rooting for Lara Jean, I adored her little sister Kitty, I thought their dad (played by John Corbett... actors I used to love are now playing the dads in movies *sigh*) was so cute, and I actually LOL'd at LJ's BFF Chris at times.  And there were other boys too... Josh, and John Ambrose McClaren, specifically, who were quite endearing.  But Peter Kavinsky... My gosh, Peter Kavinsky.  He was totally Teen Jill's cup of tea.  He is still 36-year-old Jill's cup of tea.  Can't get enough.  Can't wait to watch them again.  Can't wait to see if Lindsay even remotely agrees. LOL!
  
• How am I keeping this Kavinsky crush at bay until Friday, you ask?  By reading the book.  I had no idea when I started watching the movies, but To All the Boys I've Loved Before was originally a book, a young adult novel written by Jenny Han.  So are the sequels PS I Still Love You and Always and Forever, Lara Jean.  And now that I have the image of Kavinsky in my head, reading the books is almost as good as watching the movies.  So I have paused my book club reading for these instead.  I am already half-way through the first one and I just started in Monday, so I have a feeling it won't take long. 
  
• Well.  That's about it for today.  Truly, Peter Kavinsky is the only thing new in my life.  When people say to me "What's new?", he is what immediately comes to mind.  But I can't actually tell anyone about him.  My God, they would think I was crazy.  Anyone reading this thinks I'm crazy.  Lord KNOWS I'm crazy.  But seriously, watch the movies.  If you want a light, fun little break from reality.  If you want to have a crush on a teenage boy.  You just might agree with me.  

Thoughts on Thursday

• You know, I really wish I could bottle up how good I feel after I go for a nice long walk, and carry that with me as a reminder of how much it helps me.  I had abandoned going for walks after work a while back - mainly because I don't like walking after dark in town, and it get dark so early in December.  But Tuesday after work, I made myself go for a walk, and while I felt sluggish and out of shape, it felt good when I was done.  Last night, I felt much better about the walk, but it also improved me mentally SO much, I can't even explain.  I have been feeling so anxious lately - it comes and goes, but I was feeling quite wound up and uneasy yesterday afternoon.  I didn't even realize it until long after I got in from my walk, but it dawned on me that I felt so much more calm and relaxed after the fresh air and exercise.
• Why do I need to bottle that up as a reminder?  Well, because I so easily forget. LOL!  Part of my reason for re-implementing the evening walks is because the little half-hour morning workouts I'd been doing religiously last year have NOT been happening.  Even though I feel good when I do them and they set me on the right path for the day, it is so much easier to lie in bed and give myself some kind of excuse.  It is such a struggle for me to get my butt out of bed in the morning.  I have only done it a handful of times since Christmas.  Blahhhhh.  If I'm not going to get it done in the way, I have to find another way... I cannot become a total couch potato... I simply can't allow it!
• I'm feeling very hermity and I only want to hibernate these days.  I keep pushing myself to get out, but the instinct is just to curl up in a ball.  I keep making myself make plans and forcing myself to get out - even when I really don't feel like it - because I think it's important.  But man...sometimes it's hard!!
• I was telling my mom the other day I feel like a little old lady lately.  Last Saturday evening, I was really tired, even though it wasn't even 9 PM, and I knew if I lay down on the couch I'd fall asleep in minutes.  So I got into my pj's, made a cup of chamomile tea, and got into bed to watch Shameless.  As soon as I was done the tea, I konked out.  And she was like, "Geez, Jill... even I had a rum & coke, at least!"  I don't have wild nights anymore, but this was pretty lame even for me.  And yet... I enjoyed it so much!!  I make no apologies for being a hermity old lady. lol!
• I think part of my discontent this week is that I am not "into" anything... if that makes any sense.  I just finished a book I LOVED (as you probably saw on yesterday's post!), and the next book I started so far hasn't grabbed me.  I'm having trouble getting into it.  On top of that, I finished Season 9 of Shameless the other day, and I have yet to find another show to fall in love with.  A friend recommended The Chronicles of Frankenstein on Netflix, but after two episodes I decided nope.  Last night, I tried out The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel on Prime, a show I've been wanting to check out for a while now, but it also didn't grab me.  Any suggestions for me??  I'm thinking maybe Brooklyn Nine-Nine or Grace & Frankie.  Maybe I should give Mrs. Maisel more of a shot... I'll try again tonight.
  
• OK... I didn't intend for this to be a whiny, lamenting post.  Moving on to things I'm excited about!!
• Alcohol inks!!!  I ordered them online and they arrived on Monday.  I sent my mom on a mission to find tiles for me the other day, and she could only get the rectangular ones.  I'm hoping to find some squares and arabesque shapes, but at least I have enough to get me started, as well as some yupo paper.  I'm looking forward to playing around with it this weekend.
  
• Tomorrow is V-day, and I'm doing my ever-lovin' best not to dwell on the "single and alone" aspect of the day.  I mean, essentially, this is the life I have chosen  So I might as well have fun with the day rather than mope about it!  I'm going to Renfrew in the morning to shop, and likely will have lunch out, so that's something to look forward to.  I'm also planning to pick up some fun junk food to snack on tomorrow night, and rather than watching rom-coms like I normally do, I think I'll dig out some of my old fave comedies.  Like, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead and Weekend at Bernie's and Son-In-Law. Cozy and fun and just what I like to do.  Who needs a Valentine, am I right??
  
• Last night, I finished my latest crochet project, the Kaleidoscope Shawl. I LOVED how it turned out, even though it isn't perfect.  I somehow messed up my counts, and in the end my stitiches didn't add up to what the pattern called for, but I don't think anyone would ever be able to tell.  (Truthfully, I still can't figure out where I went wrong myself).  I used the Red Heart Unforgettable yarn in Tealberry, and I absolutely adore the colours of it.  It is so pretty in person.  Another item finished and packed away for Shawville Fair!
  
• Next up on the hook: Slippers!!  I have a pattern I've been wanting to try that is supposed to be quite simple...we'll see if these turn out.
  
• Today is so my kind of day.  It's been snowing and blowing all day, and so I'm all about the hot cups of tea and gazing out the window at it swirling around.  Ahhhh how I love winter!!!

Well, I think that's it for me today.  Hope you're all having a great week. :)

Book Review: Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens

*WARNING:  May contain spoilers!!*

The first time I heard about Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens was an email my mom forwarded me from a cousin of hers who lives in California.  She had read it, and emailed all of her friends and relatives to recommend it.  Then I started noticing it popping up on blogs that I follow on "Must Read!!" lists.  I suggested it for our book club and it was one of the books chosen for 2020.  We will be discussing it coming up in June.

My initial expectations for this book were extremely high, but then they were brought back down a bit.  My Aunt Nora was given the book by a fellow cruiser on the ship last fall; she read it and passed it along to my mom, saying she liked it but it was just OK.  My mom read it before me and she, too, had a similar review: easy read, but nothing that blew her socks off.

I'm kind of glad that my expectations were lowered before reading it, because I think that caused me to enjoy it that much more.  I absolutely LOVED this book, guys.  LOVED it.  I almost hate to say that, because now I'm raising your expectations.  But truly, this is one of my favourite books that I've read in recent memory.  I blew through it in a week.  (That is fast for me; I am a slow reader).  I was choosing to read instead of watch TV, which is also unusual behaviour on my part.  I just couldn't wait to get back to that place, that story, to see what the next chapter would hold.

This story centres on the main character, Kya, and it begins in the 1950's, as young Kya's world begins to tear apart at the seams.  Her home is a place of both great love and great despair:  a shack near a marsh along the North Carolina coast, where her drunken father provides little, but she, her mother, and siblings love each other dearly.  However, her mother cannot take any more abuse and abruptly leaves the marsh, and shortly thereafter, so do all of Kya's older siblings.  She is left alone with her abusive father, until he, too, leaves her behind.  From a very young age, Kya learns to take care of herself, and comes to truly love her lonely existence, exploring the marsh and learning from it.

The townspeople nearby come to call her as The Marsh Girl.  They see little of her, and know even less about her.  However, Kya eventually grows into a beautiful young woman, and develops a relationship with two different men from the town, leading to self-discovery and even more learning from both of them and the land around her.  That is, until Kya is unexpectedly thrust into a murder investigation and her world is turned topsy-turvy once more.

This book literally came to life in my hands from the very first chapter.  I quickly caught on to the "voice" of the story, and the way Kya and the people around her talk.  I could hear their accents in my mind.  I also gravitated to Kya as such a sympathetic character, and marveled at her courage and endurance, her will to survive even when it seemed that everything was stacked against her.  Of course, there's enough of a love story too, to keep me drawn in and invested.  I wanted so badly for Kya to find happiness, and to let her walls down enough to let in the one who I felt was her true soulmate.

Throughout the novel, woven in between the story of Kya's coming-of-age, is a murder mystery of sorts.  One of Kya's former love interests, the handsome beloved local, Chase Andrews, is found dead.  As the investigation develops, Kya is named as the prime suspect.  As the novel hurtled to a close with Kya on trial for Chase's murder, I found myself gripped, unable to put the book down until I found out if she was deemed innocent or not, and who, if not her, did murder Chase?

I loved the descriptive writing, I loved the little snippets of poetry inserted into the storyline, and I loved the characters.  When I opened the book, I was transported to a different time and place, and I believe that is truly the mark of a great novel.  To open a book and escape to another world is what every reader is hoping for, I believe.

I was also intrigued to hear that Reese Witherspoon apparently owns the rights to turn this book into a movie. I think it would play out on the big screen AMAZINGLY well.  Coincidentally, I also pictured Kya as Reese Witherspoon's character in the movie The Man in the Moon, especially during her younger days.  That's probably why I always had an issue with one physical trait of Kya's - her long black hair.  I always pictured her as a blonde.  It was literally the only hiccup I came across while reading it; otherwise, the pictures just came to life like a movie in my mind.  I hope that one day I actually will be able to see it on the big screen.

I gave this book a 5-star rating on Goodreads, a rating that I don't hand out that often.  I would absolutely recommend it to fellow readers, and I am so interested to see at our book club meeting in June how the other ladies felt about it.  If you have already read it, please let me know in the comments what you thought of it!

February: Currently...

Here we are, February already!!  I know so many folks find January a long, hard month, but I felt like it went by fairly quickly.  Almost too quickly for my liking.  I keep consoling myself by saying, "At least there's an extra day in February this year..." LOL!  My winter-loving heart isn't ready to think of spring yet!

It's been a while since I've done a "Currently" post.  Here's what I'm at right now, in the early stages of February:

Listening to... A lot of fun new stuff that I've discovered!!  I signed up for Apple Music back before Christmas, and so far, loving it.  Here are the songs getting regular rotation on my playlist these days:
What a Man Gotta Do - Jonas Brothers (the best song I've heard in a long time!!!)
Let's Fall In Love for the Night - Finneas
Underdog - Alicia Keys
Hang In There Girl - Ashley McBryde
Hard Place - H.E.R.
You Should Be Sad - Halsey
Don't Start Now - Dua Lipa
Yummy - Justin Bieber
Raising Hell - Ke$ha
Anything by Tyler Childers

Eating... A bunch of not-very-good-for-me food... I made bacon & leek mac & cheese on Saturday night for dinner, and I made a Delissio stuffed crust pizza on Sunday night (for Super Bowl!), and I have been eating the leftovers all week.  Lord help me.

Drinking... Water (as usual), and I've been trying to have a cup of tea every afternoon, which always makes me feel cozy during the winter months.  I also have discovered a love for that Bubly sparkling water.  I tried the blackberry at my sister's a few week's ago, and bought a case of cherry for myself.  Last night, after a trying day that left me feeling a little heavy, I added some vodka to the glass and discovered I might actually have an alcoholic beverage I enjoy.

Planning... for Book Club which I am hosting on Friday night!  I have two snack lists going. LOL!  I am hoping to get to Shawville Friday morning to pick up some last minute necessities, but it is supposed to snow on Thursday and Friday, so if I decide to stay tucked in at home, I have an alternative snack list with stuff I already have in my fridge and cupboards.  Either way, a lot of my thought this week is going into making food and tidying the house for Friday night.

I am also in the early stages of helping to plan the Spring Vendor Sale at our church.  I sent out messages to all of the vendors we had last year, and I should be able to create the FB event and ad's by the end of this week.

Feeling... pretty good today, which is nice.  I mentioned feeling kind of heavy yesterday, I had a lot of little anxious thoughts weighing me down and I couldn't seem to shake it.  Those things aren't bothering me as much today, so I can't complain.

Reading... Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens, and I am LOVING it!!  It's been a while since a book has interested me so much that I can't wait to get home and read; that I choose reading over watching TV.  This morning I woke up early to do my little workout, and instead talked myself into reading for half an hour. whoops.  I had heard great things about this book, but then my mom read it and said it didn't blow her away, so my expectations for it leveled out.  I think that was probably a good thing, because it is now exceeding my expectations big time!

Watching... Shameless Season 9 on Netflix.  I'm catching up on shows that have released new seasons lately.  I blew through Part 7 of The Ranch and Season 7 of Wentworth last week, then started in on Season 9 of Shameless.  I'm sucked back in to the Gallagher's world.  Totally madly in love with Season 9 Lip, might I add.  I don't know if it's the shorter hair or the fact that he's getting older or what, but... yeah.  I'm liking Lip.  A lot.

Loving... My new oil diffuser that I ordered from Saje Wellness!  It arrived in the mail on Monday, along with the oil blends I ordered:  Liquid Sunshine, Unwind, and Immune.  I'm already antsy to order more!  I was a little nervous about having an allergic reaction, because I blamed a rash I had a few years ago on the el cheapo oil diffuser I had in my room at the time, but so far so good.  I figured I was probably OK because I use the Saje farmacy roll-on blends all the time (including my beloved Peppermint Halo) and never have had a problem.  Anyways, it is really pretty and I love it.

I also got myself an area rug for my living room... FINALLY!!  It's only been on my personal wishlist list for years!!  I love how it looks, even though it's still kind of wrinkly from being all rolled up. 

Wanting...  to "complete" my living room with new vertical blinds for the windows.  Again, a long-standing wishlist item that I am determined to make happen this winter.  White vertical blinds will look so good with my new area rug!

I am also very much wanting to invest in alcohol ink supplies.  I have been thinking about it ever since I took the class at Shannon's several weeks ago.  The problem is, by the time I buy everything I need, I'm looking at $200+ in supplies, and I'm worried it's just a passing phase.  I don't want to put that kind of money into it, and then shove everything in a box in a corner to collect dust.  (I just cleaned out the junk room last week, remember.  I know I have a habit of doing this!!)  I keep telling myself that if I get it, I can consider it a Valentine's Day present to myself, but I also said that about my diffuser, so... not sure how many presents I'm allowed to get myself lol.

Needing... Not a whole lot right now!  In the grand scheme of things, I'm doing A-OK.  My needs are few.  I am lucky!! :)

Thoughts on Thursday: On Kobe and my junk room.

• It's been a weird week for me. First of all, there's the tragic Kobe Bryant news.  I have shed more tears for a man I really knew nothing about... I mean, I don't profess to be a big basketball fan.  Let's face it:  I was a fan for approximately a month, between May & June of last year, while the Toronto Raptors made their run to the championship.  Total bandwagoner.  But even those of us who don't pay much attention to the game have heard of Kobe Bryant.  He was a legend.  If you asked me, with my limited knowledge of the NBA, who the best basketball players in history are, I would probably say #1 Michael Jordan, #2 Kobe Bryant. Hearing that the helicopter he was in with his daughter Gianna and seven other people had a crashed on Sunday, with no survivors, well... it was heart-breaking, to say the least.
  
• Last night, I went back on Youtube and found some of the old interviews Jimmy Fallon had done with Kobe.  I remembered him being on the show not long ago, because I recalled them talking about how his wife was expecting their fourth girl.  (That baby girl is now 7 months old.) But the part that really rattled me was when Jimmy asked him if it was true that he didn't want his younger daughters to remember him as a basketball player; that he wanted to be remembered as an innovator, a producer, an artist.  Just hearing them talk about "how he wanted to be remembered" by his children... it was haunting and bittersweet and devastating.  We just never know what the future holds. 
  
• I can't stop thinking of his poor wife and children who are left to mourn them.  It is tragic enough to lose one close family member, but to lose two... one being a 13-year-old girl who was already showing signs of being as amazing at the game of basketball as her father... ugh.  Shattering.  I join with the millions of others who are sending all their love and prayers to the Bryant family and the families of the others that lost their lives on Sunday.  May their faith carry them through.
  
  
  
  
• Moving on from the Kobe stuff, because it is just too damned sad... 
• I had plans on Monday that fell through, and then the water was off in town all day, so I decided it was the perfect day to start tackling the junk room.  A job I have put off and procrastinated on and avoided at all costs... It was time.  I can't tell you how discouraging it was to look in this room, and the piles and piles of junk that have accumulated.  It is the room where everything that doesn't have a place gets dumped.  It's SUPPOSED to be my Craft Room, but there has been no space in there to do crafts for ages.  It really came to a head for me back in the fall, when my landlords told me they were having a window repairman come in to check the windows (some of them keep sliding open from the top).  I shuddered at the thought of an outsider seeing this room, and thinking, "My God, she's a hoarder."  I decided that my Winter Project this year had to be cleaning out the junk room.
  
• So I started on Monday.  I hauled a TON of crap out of that room, and it still looked like a disaster zone.  *sigh*  I literally worked at it from 10 AM to 5 PM, with only a short break for lunch, and the visible progress was so small that I wanted to cry.  I tried to take solace in the fact that at least two of the biggest disasters - my book shelf and my gift wrapping supplies - had been organized.  Then I got obsessed with the rest of it.  I spent all day Tuesday thinking about that room - what stuff had to stay, what stuff had to go, how I wanted to re-arrange things.  As soon as I got home from work, I dove back in.  I made a lot of progress again, but still... STILL!!! it looked like a war zone.  
  
• Yesterday I battled a sinusy headache all day, which really had me feeling out of sorts, but I refused to let this room cleaning be put on pause.  I feared if I took one day off, I might never go back.  Last night I was on a mission to really finish it up.  I packed up the remaining items that I had assigned for yard sale or donation and stored them in the basement.  Everything else got hauled to garbage or recycling.  By the time I was done, I was exhausted and my head was pounding, but I felt so relieved.  I can see carpet.  Things look organized, for the most part.  The hardest part of this job was done.  Hallelujah!!
  
• It's still not completely finished... The table is loaded with books that I am giving away.  I'm going to keep them for another week to see if anyone wants to peruse them; any left by next weekend will be boxed up and donated to our local library.  The closet is also still jammed up with stuff that I should re-organize.  I have a shelving unit I bought to store my yarn in and I still have to assemble it and figure out where to put it.  And I hate the pile of bins and boxes in the back corner of the room, but that's Christmas and there is literally nowhere else to put them.  But at least if someone walks into this room now, they won't be shocked and horrified.  At least, I hope not. LOL!
• What else is new... Oh, I have been on a quest to crochet a toque that I like.  My first attempt, which I now call "Marge Simpson" was a total disaster.  It was supposed to be a slouchy toque, but because I used a bulkier yarn than was recommended, it ended up being too stiff and won't slouch properly.  It will actually stand straight up if you want it to... a la Marge Simpson hair.  Charming.  The second attempt was a pattern I purchased, but it ended up feeling way too small and just kind of looked funny.  The third attempt, which I finished last night after the junk room clean-up was finished, is my favourite by far!  It worked up fairly quickly and it fits properly.  Finally a winner!!
  
  
  
  
• Aside from finishing that toque, I haven't really got to do my "usual" stuff that I enjoy this week because of cleaning out that damn room.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I focused on it and got it mostly done, but I haven't watched any shows or listened to any podcasts or done any cooking or baking... The things I love to do this time of year have been on the back-burner.  So I've decided I'm taking this coming weekend "off".  The rest of the house needs to be cleaned, but it's going to have to wait.  I want to find a Netflix show to get lost in, and I want to crochet a shawl (I have a pattern I've been dying to try); I want to bake cookies and try a recipe for bacon leek pasta (I have leeks in my fridge that need to get used up).  This weekend is going to be my reward for working so hard to clean up that room!!
• My sinusy headache is much better today but it's still lingering.  Usually I associate them with bad weather coming - rain or snow - but there's nothing really in the forecast right now.  blech.  Yesterday I tried battling it with just the Peppermint Halo, no Advil, and it was unsuccessful.  It seems I need the combination of the two to really have any effect.  Friggin headaches.

Well, that's it for me for this week... Hoping for cheerier days and fun ahead!!