I hate this.

Yesterday, I was asked by a friend why I wasn't blogging anymore. Well, pals... I'm a little bleak these days.  And in a world that is already pretty bleak, I didn't figure I should be adding to it if I could help it.

How are you all doing out there in this new pandemic world we are living in?  I'm... okay.  I'm not great, but who is?

I will say, I'm better than I was that first week as Covid-19 became a reality.  On Wednesday, March 18th, I had a bit of a breakdown.  I couldn't wrap my head around all of this, and I was a mess, to be quite honest.  When I left work that day, Lindsay told me she thought I should take some time off.  I have been at home (well, at my mom's) ever since.

Week 1 was rough.  I haven't experienced a level of anxiety that high in a very long time.  I run on anxiety on a good day.  This was a whole nother level.  It was physically painful.  I had knots in my stomach that hurt.  I had zero appetite.  I cried a lot.  I had the worst heart palpitations I've had since the early days of having that condition.  My right eye was twitching steady.  I felt that if this was a normal time, I would have been calling my doctor, but considering all that was going on in the world, I figured my ramped-up anxiety was the least of anyone's worries.  So I dealt with it.  With the help of my mom, and wonderful friends & family who checked in, I continued to function, and eventually got through the worst of it.

That doesn't mean things are rosy now.  But I have got myself into a routine, which helps.  The days pass more quickly when I keep to some sort of schedule.  I have an appetite again (which may or may not be a good thing, ha!), I have been exercising regularly, I am taking care of myself, getting up and dressed every day, trying my best to stay occupied during the day, and I sleep relatively well at night.  I am still spending way too much time on social media, checking Facebook and Twitter, but trying very hard not to be glued to it ALL day.  I seem to have a lack of focus for many things.  I don't seem to stick with anything for very long, including shows on Netflix, crocheting, or reading - all things I thought I would be LOVING right now - but I keep at it, even if it is just for short periods of time.

Another thing that I have been doing that has helped - and perhaps why I haven't been thinking so much about the blog - is journaling.  I haven't kept a journal since I was a kid.  For the past many years, this blog has, in fact, been my journal.  But this... these inner feelings and questions and worries - felt a little more personal, not necessarily something I wanted to share with the whole world.  So I sit down every morning and write a few pages in my journal.  It is very repetitive.  "Why is this happening to us?"  "When will this be over?"  "Why can't someone fix this?"  "I HATE THIS."  Like I said... it's bleak.  I'm bleak.  But writing it all out has been helpful.  I have come to very much look forward to this time each morning when I just put pen to paper and explain how I feel.

Despite all of the darkness and despair, I cling desperately to hope.  There is so much of the "normal life" that I miss.  And it's not even so much the big things.  It's the little things.  Chatting with folks at work.  Making plans for pedicures and dinner with Lindsay.  Hearing my nieces call out "I'm heeeeeerrrreee!!" as they come through the door.  Going for a walk and not having to make sure I'm 6 feet away from someone I meet along the way.  Going to church.  Eating at restaurants.  Going for groceries.

Hugging. I am not even much of a hugger, but I now I daydream about the day this is all over and I can hug people.  Especially my nieces and nephews.  I miss them SO much.

I pray every night for a miracle.  For the virus to just go away, or for the brilliant people of the world to find a vaccine quicker than they tell me they will, or even for some kind of medication or treatment that will help.  This is something I never imagined happening to us.  Even as it was coming down the pipe and we were hearing more and more about the coronavirus, I never pictured this.  I never actually thought it would become "real".  And if anyone could wish it away with pure will alone, my God, you guys, I would have done it by now.

This blog post could go on and on, trust me, and maybe I'll pop back in more regularly than I have been, because this has felt good.

I'll end today by giving the biggest shout-out possible to all of the people on the front-line who have had to keep going out in the world when every instinct in me told me to curl up and disappear.  The doctors, nurses, medical staff, pharmacists, cashiers, grocery store employees, truck drivers, and so many more who are essential and continue to brave this scary new world that I hate so much.

Thank you.  We love you.  You are our heroes.