Calm before the storm?

I'm feeling strangely calm these days... I can't quite explain it.  After months of feeling tied up in knots and, on my worst days, like my insides were being squeezed in a vice, I have to say I'm appreciating this current calm, while also anticipating that it won't be long-lasting.

The back-to-school chaos will be starting by the end of this week and into next week.  As we all know, I don't like back-to-school time on a good year.  During pandemic times, I have been expecting it to set me off in ways I haven't even experienced before.  

And yet now, just a few days away, I have yet to experience the knots and squeezing insides and feeling like I'm on the verge of tears all the time that I thought I would have by now.  In fact, quite the contrary.  I feel hopeful.  Almost optimistic.  There has been so much worry and concern heading into this school year, but I have this trust that the government and school systems are going to do everything in their power to make this as safe as possible.  That they will be as prepared as they possibly can be.  And I know a few kids who are excited to be with their friends again, and are anxious to get back to this little bit of normalcy in their lives - even if it won't be the same as when they left it so abruptly last March.

I know, I know.  I don't have kids.  I can't possibly compare how I feel to that of the emotions that parents are experiencing as they get ready to send their children back out into the world.  My feelings are really irrelevant in all of this.  But oh, how I'm praying for them.  I'm praying that things go as smoothly as possible, and that maybe this year won't be as scary and as full of upheaval as we are anticipating.  That maybe kids are really getting good at washing their hands and maybe there won't be as much germ-spreading as normal.  That the masks will make a difference.  That there won't be any big outbreaks.  Wishful thinking on my part, maybe, but I'm doing my best to put it out into the universe and make it so.

For me personally, my biggest anxiety right now is waiting to see how it will go, and knowing we will have to keep our distance for a while until we see how it plays out.  It has been so nice to have family around this summer.  I haven't taken for granted our gatherings in Mom's garage, our swims at Donna & Eric's pool, our family BBQ's, our nights at the ball field watching Noah and his friends at T-ball, and our family holiday.  I remember those weeks back in March and April when we stayed apart, and how sad it made me feel.  I still haven't had any sleepovers or movie nights with my nieces and nephews, and it makes me feel bleak to know it might be another long while yet before we can really get back to normal.  I just hope we don't have to go back to that strict isolation again.

While I'm relatively calm, I do worry about things like Thanksgiving, Halloween, and Christmas.  I push them off in my mind because I can't let that worry consume me, at least not yet.  I worry about what will happen when it's too cold to congregate outside anymore.  I'm a fantastic hibernator, but I don't want to go for months without family gatherings again.  I don't even want to consider a world where our normal holiday traditions must be abandoned.

So for now, I just won't let my thoughts go there.  For now, I'll enjoy these last few days of summer, and the comfortable routine I have found for myself.  The low-key weekends of sitting outside at Mom's during the day, reading or visiting with family.  Going home to watch movies at night and crocheting.  Not having any big plans, just enjoying time and space to do the things I really love to do.  I didn't feel that way at all in the spring, and I am so happy to finally have it back.

Is this the calm before the storm?  Perhaps.  Only time will tell.  But I hope that the experiences of the last 6 months have made me stronger, and better equipped to deal with what comes next.  And I cling to the belief that the worst is behind us, and each new season brings us a little bit closer to "back to normal".

I have to have faith in that.